tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-10265979129415179062024-03-05T02:26:42.625-08:00It's not always Crystal clearMary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.comBlogger57125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-35812052257005081802019-01-24T19:26:00.001-08:002019-01-24T19:26:26.788-08:00Today is....<p dir="ltr">As I sit at the table I think back to the days I didnt know happiness. I was running from fear, anxiety, depression, and slowly killing myself. I ran rapid chasing a high and feeling incomplete. <br>
Rewind several years later and I was entering into rehab. I lost my children and on the verge of losing my husband. I was so bitter and full rage. I was tired. Tired of living, to tell you the truth. <br>
I get kicked out of rehab and I was scared of society. I was scared of everyone, everything, and myself. I knew I was capable of failing at life once again. Everyone watched me and wasnt sure how to approach me. I felt like I didnt know how to live anymore. That is where I struggled the most. Not knowing how to survive outside of a bubble that others call treatment.<br>
I go back to college with a drive to help other women like me. College wasn't easy, but I strived to excel in every class. I thought outside the box in every class including art, literature, psychology.... any free range I directed my essays and art back to addiction and recovery. My mentors believed in my dream (sober living) when I thought it was impossible to reach. <br>
One year later, we open HER Recovery a sober living facility to help women transition into society with the tools of living life in recovery. Starting with 6 women that quickly moved up to 8 women. Hearing the crys out for help but not having the room to help others was something new for me. It was difficult.<br>
So here we are today, sitting here and rewinding through the past four years of my life wondering how it happened so fast. Wondering what it was that a group of people saw in me that I had not seen in myself. Thinking of how the funds fell into the lap of an ex meth addict still seems bizarre. One higher power and that is my God. <br>
We signed the papers on our second house today. We will house 18 more women. We will have the availability to help others who are struggling, who need a hand to hold, who need encouragement, who need to be in a safe environment with others that let them know they arent alone. <br>
Im not a special addict in recovery, I am God's daughter who is just following my purpose and calling. It doesnt make me better than the newcomer. It allows me to help a sister. Help them into society and not feel like an outcast. Love them through it. Hold their hand and walk beside them. Allowing them to lean on me while we work through struggles. I have the chance to witness them turn their life around and be who they are meant to be.<br>
I thank God, my family, my crew, and my sisters.<br>
Today is my today. Today is another chance.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Love<br>
The ex meth addict <br>
</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-2684724630872033922018-09-13T20:02:00.001-07:002018-09-13T20:02:42.389-07:004 years<p dir="ltr">4 years of soberness. Lol. I am living what I once thought was impossible. I am waking up with a full day ahead and not using one mind or mood altering substance. That alone is incredible to an "ole meth head" like me. I am able to have weak moments or bad days as long as I dont use. One day at a time. I have found my peoples whom I can call no matter the time and they answer, they care, they help me, and call me out on my bullshit. <br>
4 years of fixing, figuring, working, and believing. Fixing that stinking thinking. Having to get out of my head and my selfish ways. Figuring out how to live this new way of life. Remembering recovery is <b>NOT PERFECTION</b> but <b>ONLY PROGRESS</b>. Reminding myself when my past is brought up that I am not that same broken girl. I once was a mess that is now a message. Constantly working on becoming a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, christian, and etc. I fail daily but I had to learn to stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Learn from them. Believing that I am worthy and my higher power is capable. It is very hard for me to reach my goals and live out my dreams..... not because they are hard, but because I feel like I like I am not deserving of good things. Crazy, huh? I know what I have done and who I once was. The one thing I succeeded in was failure and getting high. Looking at where I am today in my life scares me. I think to myself, "Ok Mary Beth when are you going to screw this up?" I have to stop and remind myself to rely on God. Believing I am worthy.<br>
4 years later and here I am as the Executive Director of HER Recovery. A sober living facility for women who have suffered from Substance Abuse. My heart is full and I have finally figured out what my purpose is. For so long I drifted through my days being miserable and hopeless. Today, I have a fire within me that drives me forward every morning. I lost a lot of friends, but I have gained a family that will never be replaced. I found my voice. I can focus on my blessings and not my regrets.<b> I am me and I like me</b>. Life is not perfect and I am ok with that. Some of my circumstances in life are the same I just learned how to react differently. 4 years of new possibilities. 4 years of my life that I am proud of. 4 years of living my dream. 4 years of true happiness. 4 years of love. 4 years of growing. 4 years of pushing forward. 4 years of being ok with emotions. 4 years that I will celebrate. 4 years of sobriety. </p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-72166732607215109722018-07-11T08:40:00.001-07:002018-07-11T08:40:12.949-07:00Just ONE HIT<p dir="ltr">Just ONE HIT<br>
ONE HIT to the face to wreck your thinking,<br>
ONE HIT to the gut to make you sick,<br>
ONE HIT to the rib cage to take your breath,<br>
ONE HIT to the legs to knock you down,<br>
ONE HIT can take your life,<br>
ONE HIT can leave scars,<br>
ONE HIT to an addict will take our life.<br>
Fight for Recovery!</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-88690886554823507272018-01-26T06:53:00.001-08:002018-01-26T09:22:04.537-08:00Family<div dir="ltr">
Family. When we are active in our addiction, our families are the first ones we burn. They are face to face with their child/mother/father/sister/brother who they no longer recognize. They lose sleep trying not to hear the voices about the what ifs.... what if they overdose, what if they go to jail, what if they get into an accident and cause harm to others, what if the dealer harms them, what if children are hurt? We burn them with the lies, and the things we stole. We rob them of their peace, and leave them with fear and heartache.<br />
It took me a long time to realize how severe I burned my family. I went into rehab and came home knowing I had changed my ways, but my family was still trying to heal a wound with no help. I couldn't understand why they carried so much doubt and questioned all that I said/say. It hurt me.... can they not see I have changed? But wait..... how could I be so blind? Who hurt you, who caused you so much pain, and who has mistreated you so badly that you question yourself? Me. The addict. What a mess I have made.<br />
I'm sorry helps, but it doesn't take away the pain. Time heals all wounds, but it doesn't help with the scars. Recovery takes time and a lot of work, and our relationships are the same. There is no quick fix. There is no cure, but there is hope. <br />
4 things to my family that you need to know:<br />
1.) My addiction was not anything you done wrong. It was me.<br />
2.) My addiction did not change my love for my family. I love you.<br />
3.) Nothing you can do can cure my addiction. It's my responsibility.<br />
4.) I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I was sick.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-9KQZRZVkCVkWLZ0bgClEBDvOadmryXJWPHO_hVLqTKGs2S1PVYacN_vDzFO3VUwJ5F3J2yQ1gQiQjBLg5k8GknjW7bYPFpMf1KerHI5pY03q3ac0PmuLJ24EqnEnfYE3LlhhNsDVde-0/s1600/IMG_20161216_143202.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1440" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg-9KQZRZVkCVkWLZ0bgClEBDvOadmryXJWPHO_hVLqTKGs2S1PVYacN_vDzFO3VUwJ5F3J2yQ1gQiQjBLg5k8GknjW7bYPFpMf1KerHI5pY03q3ac0PmuLJ24EqnEnfYE3LlhhNsDVde-0/s320/IMG_20161216_143202.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-52304583221910496722017-12-01T12:28:00.001-08:002017-12-01T14:01:18.445-08:00Mom Struggles<div dir="ltr">
From the mom of a boy who is struggling to keep up. I want to be transparent and let others know you aren't the only one struggling to raise them right and present all A's on a report card. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
My little boy... he tries. Yes i truly believe he is trying. He goes through his sight words 6 to 8 times a day (over 60 words in his stack), if he hears any other noises (tv, radio, or his brother playing) he loses track of concentration, he wiggles out of his chair, he cant keep his feet on the floor, he crys in the midst of studying, but he tries. He sticks it out and before we know it bedtime has snuck up on us and now he is upset because he didn't get to play. Maybe tomorrow will be better.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
As the mother... I cry with every test sent home. (I am crying now writing this post). I feel guilt... not because we don't go over and over and over his homework, but because we do more than go over it. I feel guilty because he is struggling in school and I don't know how to fix it. He brings me his tests and as the tears make there way down my cheeks... I wonder what's going on in his head? You can see the shame as he hands over his game and I take it away. I ask him why he made a bad grade and he says, "I don't know, mom." <br />
I get frustrated. Sooo frustrated! I try not to, but he knows the words. I know he knows the words. He reads them to me. <br />
I feel sorry for him, because the way it's looking he will no longer be in the same grade as his friends. What am I doing wrong??? How can I make things better? Why is he struggling in class? I pray that tomorrow will be better.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
The truths of a mom whose son is struggling to keep up.<br />
</div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-67943112887899082342017-07-16T13:50:00.001-07:002017-07-16T14:09:37.919-07:00What do you see?<p dir="ltr">When you look at me, <br>
What do you see?<br>
Maybe, I am scared to know. <br>
Maybe, I don't want you to see. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do you see my past? <br>
Do you see my victories?<br>
Do you see my scars?<br>
Do you see me healing?<br>
Do you see the pieces that are still missing?<br>
Do you see I found my way?<br>
What do you see?<br>
Do you see my fear?<br>
Do you see my dedication?<br>
Do you see the battle going on inside my head?<br>
Do you see me trying to ignore what I hear?<br>
What is it that you see?<br>
Do you see that some things still hurt? <br>
Do you see I am growing?<br>
Do you see my weaknesses?<br>
Do you see my strength?<br>
Do you see I have good days?<br>
Do you see I have bad days?<br>
What do you see?<br>
Do you see bad choices?<br>
Do you see I had no control?<br>
What is it that you see?<br>
Do you see a reflection?<br>
Do you see deeper?<br>
What do you see, when you look in that mirror?<br>
What is it that you see?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Love,<br>
Mary <u>Beth</u><br>
</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-81476685529998296592017-04-24T14:50:00.001-07:002017-04-24T14:50:54.580-07:00The eyes of a Child<p dir="ltr">I took on a challenge. As I sat my 4 year old son up on the bathroom counter, I begin to wash his face. As I look at him, I see a baby face that is beginning to slim up. I see freckles that are shyly appearing on his cheeks and nose. I take in the structure of his little face. His eyes show wander, interest of what things are, and why we have them. He is looking at me and anyone that knows my Bryson knows he is constantly talking and explaining his stories of his crystals, jewels, and fighting the monsters away. This time he was quite. Scared to hear what my 4 year old would say or see. I asked him, "what do you see when you look at me?" He replied, "blue and pretty." <br>
As a mom I struggle with my body image. I struggle with patience. I am no better or worse than any other mom raising two little boys. I struggle with disciplining them, and many times I feel guilty when I do. <br>
A child can be brutally honest at times, but they are so pure. To hear him say those things made my heart melt. He wasnt worried about how it would make me feel. I looked in the mirror and prayed for the vision of a child, to have the eyes of a child is what God has blessed them with. Something I wanted to share.<br>
Love,<br>
A mom<br>
(Blue and Pretty)</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-88041878225102052952016-12-21T19:50:00.001-08:002017-01-05T09:01:39.622-08:00Living or Surviving<p dir="ltr">I was in my car driving while my boys sat in the back seat watching the movie "The Croods". As I drove to our destination, I began listening to it. One small line from that movie has made me realize a lot. "This isn't living, this is surviving."<br>
Wow. How are you going through your life right now? Are you living? Or are you just surviving? When I was addicted I was doing nothing but surviving. Trying to fight another day of deep dark depression, fighting the thoughts of suicide, and trying to get through another day. I became a walking dead person with a paralysing emotion of anger, fear, and loneliness. There was no life within me.... I was only trying to survive a slow death.<br>
Recovery is what has taught me how to live. Living and learning <u>my</u> personal lessons, even through the sad times and the hard times, but now I have more good times than I ever thought was imaginable. Recovery surely isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now knowing the life I can now live is forever worth every hardship. Going to treatment was scarey. I was leaving behind all that I knew and my babies that I love, and entering into a place with nothing to ease my pain or numb my emotions. Treatment taught me a huge lesson..."Living is what we have to relearn, but with more tools in our toolbox." Sometimes we feel like everything is against us, but when we fight for what we love we come out stronger and better. I no longer go through my days just trying to survive a harsh world. I live like I have a purpose, a Godly purpose. Surviving can be so difficult when you are surrounded by darkness in your head and heart. Living in a spiritual life has become refreshing and rewarding. Live your life.</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-83924692674189514952016-09-25T05:36:00.001-07:002016-09-25T15:09:53.496-07:00How would you live?<div dir="ltr">
If you knew the numbered days you have left here on earth, would you live different? <br />
Would you spend more time with your parents? Would you sit down and tell them thank you for working your entire life just to give me the life I was blessed with? Would you hug and tell them you loved them more often?<br />
Would you tell your siblings I love you everyday? Would you share more laughter with them? Would you stop texting and actually call them?<br />
Would you tell your spouse thank you? Thank you for loving me on my worst day. Would you tell them about the lies that were told in your own head that you were all alone, but the actual truth is that they were there by your side the entire time? Would you tell them I am sorry for all those fights I started because it really had nothing to do with you... I was just having a crappy day. Would you explain to them that seeing them laugh brightens my day? Would you love them different? Would you love them more?<br />
Would you parent your children different? Would you personally take your children places and make more memories with them? Would you enjoy their cries more? Would you join in with laughter when they are laughing? Would you be the same parent that you are today?<br />
Would you work on your relationship with God more? Would you tell others about what God has done in your life? Would you be thankful for the days you still have? Would you be a better Christian?<br />
Our days are numbered and I know on most of these questions I (myself) answered yes I would do more to almost every question.... so why wait? Why do we wait until the end to give our best? Life begins to mean something precious to us all when it is close to the end. Lets change this. Make everyday precious and live it to the fullest. Why don't we show more appreciation through out our lives? Change is hard, but change for the good.<br />
How would you live? Live like our days are numbered.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhffaFyUQ8Mf4HdLl1tWdfiIFOJZ82_I2K5Ncuey4abECw1fzVCDLP5JZbMKwQfx2zOZXfkjteGMvEdS7QMIP6UvQuhuAcMbBumkhqLbTzXAzXKWMXZ8QieHt5zzUnR2mzOjfD8knPuGnk_/s1600/IMG_20160905_094602.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhffaFyUQ8Mf4HdLl1tWdfiIFOJZ82_I2K5Ncuey4abECw1fzVCDLP5JZbMKwQfx2zOZXfkjteGMvEdS7QMIP6UvQuhuAcMbBumkhqLbTzXAzXKWMXZ8QieHt5zzUnR2mzOjfD8knPuGnk_/s320/IMG_20160905_094602.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-42781381158647816702016-07-21T07:28:00.002-07:002016-07-21T07:43:32.657-07:00Sister<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div dir="ltr">
Not many know this, so here we go. I have always wanted a sister that I was unseperable with. I wanted that sister who would know when to call or know something was up/wrong. I wanted that bond that many have with their sisters. My twinkie. Truth is me and my sister could not be more opposite than we are. Even with our differences I just realized how wrong I have been and I have that sister.<br />
Let me tell you some things about us more about her.<br />
She was the first person to write me in rehab.<br />
She sent me make-up, when she dont even wear it.<br />
Other than my husband and parents, she was the only other person I talked to in rehab.<br />
She can give me a reality check knowing it will piss me off and give me my space until I realize what is going on.<br />
She asks me questions out of the blue about my recovery, how I am, and why I did certain things when I was active in my addiction.<br />
She encourages me in my lowest points and she does not even realize how bad of a day I have had.<br />
She pushes me to get fit.<br />
She is my personal trainer- free of charge.<br />
She takes my clothes when my closet is overflowing.<br />
She cheers me on when I feel like giving up. <br />
We have memories that no one understands.<br />
She is my best friend and I never thanked her for the times she was heartbroken over my actions, but still never gave up. She does more for me than anyone knows. Mandy, thank you. I love you.<br />
Many times we think relationships should only be fun and sweet, but truth is our relationships grow when we experience hurt and heartaches. We see each others struggles and mend those broken moments. If it is not perfect, it means it is growing.<br />
Love, Mary Beth</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAJIWX6Wqmhl4PgAqlzwT0mKPkA81Y98XD5AbY4uJml7IY5gkgwLeY0VrxZuvF1_6rNNhstvWcUz2jb1JPVYwPnt47htsUMYDYC15ndRIW_RX12AuWCYSVdDYhGoqecBbEoeBogXt41olC/s1600/20160717_195610.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAJIWX6Wqmhl4PgAqlzwT0mKPkA81Y98XD5AbY4uJml7IY5gkgwLeY0VrxZuvF1_6rNNhstvWcUz2jb1JPVYwPnt47htsUMYDYC15ndRIW_RX12AuWCYSVdDYhGoqecBbEoeBogXt41olC/s640/20160717_195610.jpg" /> </a> <iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/sdBfxdJL5VA/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/sdBfxdJL5VA?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1_G7qKj_6xjvqfGc1jMyOeoBGqIXb2nl_t_tkz6UXSptihwhxl096DL_KFIIWiWHNZtZw4Niga2pSy2zwTfDTyyXZwhTx2wNEQSUsHeFjCQPROHSQehK49F6t0mPc5PNu7A6gMg9IFsDc/s1600/20160717_195610.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1_G7qKj_6xjvqfGc1jMyOeoBGqIXb2nl_t_tkz6UXSptihwhxl096DL_KFIIWiWHNZtZw4Niga2pSy2zwTfDTyyXZwhTx2wNEQSUsHeFjCQPROHSQehK49F6t0mPc5PNu7A6gMg9IFsDc/s640/20160717_195610.jpg"> </a> </div>Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-49712359901072475252016-07-17T21:34:00.001-07:002016-07-17T21:34:50.987-07:00True facts about me<p dir="ltr">Our society is harsh. Now that social media is a part of our everyday lives the pressure is overwhelming. We are competitive with that person on Facebook who seems to be perfect and has the perfect family. The person on Instagram who is always on cloud nine. The person on Snapchat who has a magical and booming life. The person on Twitter who.... well I don't know because I don't tweet. <br>
Can I be honest? And let's be truthful. They are fake, you are fake, and I am fake. No one has a perfect life, but the pressure is to put on like you do.<br>
As a woman, a person in recovery, I want to be true. True to who I am and who God has made me. Sooo here we go with my uglies.<br>
I am an addict.<br>
I have bad days.<br>
I get my feelings hurt.<br>
My kids are not perfect, and sometimes they get on my nerves.<br>
I have issues with my self image. BAD!<br>
I double think way too much.<br>
I smoke.<br>
I cuss.<br>
I get jealous.<br>
I miss my husband everyday of the week.<br>
I get lonely.<br>
I feel crazy sometimes.<br>
I need to pray more.<br>
I need to make more time for my friends.<br>
I usually miss church, because it seems easier to deal with my children.<br>
I cannot stand the fact that people are really two-faced.<br>
My depression sometimes gets the best of me.<br>
I dont like swimsuit pictures of myself.<br>
I get ashamed of my past.<br>
It is hard to tell my kids no.<br>
I want to sleep A LOT, but only during the day. At night I can't go to sleep.<br>
I dont excercise enough.<br>
I drink too much sugar.<br>
I get mad.<br>
I play Pokemon Go.<br>
I stay on my phone way too much.<br>
I don't like to clean.<br>
I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work.<br>
I let my kids play with electronics.<br>
I want my hair long when it is short.<br>
I shop too much.<br>
I am scared of what people say about me.<br>
I am not perfect and that is the truth. I have to remind myself that the person's profile on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat isn't neither. I make mistakes everyday. We have to remember what is real and what isn't. What's real is my love for God and my family. I have to take it one day at a time too. I am one mess up from being screwed up. Just keeping it real tonight.<br>
Love,<br>
Mary Beth</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-64040283076693477872016-06-01T07:05:00.001-07:002016-06-01T07:10:44.611-07:00No Man is an Island<p dir="ltr"><b>No man is an island. </b>For many years of my life, I felt alone. I felt as though no one could undertand my pain. I tried to deny my struggles as often as I could, because I felt like I was failing as a mom and as a woman if I showed or admitted my weaknesses. Pride can tear you apart if you are not careful.<br>
If we are not honest with ourselves and others about our struggles they begin to become overwhelming. It is like a shadow- it starts out small, but the longer you stand there the bigger it gets. The shadow even moves touching different aspects of our life, until eventually there is no light at all- consumed by darkness, fear, and the need for a glimmer of light. Being open about our struggles we begin to figure out... we are not alone. We begin to see that there are others who struggle with this exact thing. Don't confuse this as a coincidence, because this is God's work.<br>
I had a friend pass away at a young age, and not too long ago I saw her mother and we began to talk. She now works in a funeral home. I thought to myself, "How? And why?" As she begin to tell me how much it means to her to help those who lost their loved ones and she can relate to their pain. "Wow!" She is God's work. She can support those who are experiencing a moment of loneliness. She can hold their hand and shine a glimmer of light on how life can still be possible. <b>No man is an island.</b><br>
Support is what we give and recieve, but we have to be open and honest. Remember <b>no man is an island </b>God is with us and sends people into our lives for something that we need or need to give.<br>
Love, <br>
Mary Beth</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-87931736929330441952016-01-09T08:59:00.002-08:002016-01-09T08:59:48.607-08:00Four Words<div dir="ltr">
<b>FOUR WORDS</b> can effect someone's life. Just <b>FOUR WORDS</b>. When we are mad or heart broken over something someone did, I feel like we have no problem telling them, "<b><i>I am disappointed in you</i></b>." Some might not care and others might <i>say</i> they don't care, but if we are going to be honest those words can hurt like <i>HELL</i>. We (including myself) need to be aware of things we say. <br />
When we are wrong and know that we did something wrong, it takes courage to admit it. I'm not saying just because they admit their wrongs you should be proud. I am saying, "Be careful with your words. Think about how you come off to that person and pray before you might regret your words." Shaming someone can set them back quickly.<br />
So why is it so hard to show someone appreciation on their outcome in life? Recovery is hard and I honestly believe everyone deserves a pat on the back who fights a battle. Those people deserve <b>FOUR WORDS</b> that maybe different from what they are use to hearing, "<b><i>I'm PROUD</i></b> <i><b>of you!!</b></i>" <b>FOUR WORDS</b> that can help someone who might be struggling. <b>FOUR</b> <b>WORDS</b> that lets them know they are on the right path. <b>FOUR WORDS</b> that can keep someone in recovery. Just <b>FOUR</b> <b>WORDS</b>.<br />
I won't ever forget those "disappointments" I caused myself. With every "proud of you" keeps my mind strong, keeps me going when sometimes I feel like stopping, and gives me joy when that use to be shame and resentment. So I feel like we need to share these <b>FOUR WORDS </b>with those in recovery. Whether they are a day clean to 20 years clean, to your spouse or the complete stranger that is on your facebook friends list. Let someone know you recognize their hard work and a battle that they have faced. Tell a person, "<b><i>I'm PROUD of you!!</i></b>" Just <b>FOUR WORDS</b>!!<br />
Love,<br />
Mary Beth<br />
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjckAFNU7QMigneAdIG2_UXbhXZoY4IsYotIeMMGg3Rter7ZGkWNs5vP-FWi3MsZMVENX9WuFlDgTjkDPpNbuXAkSGmfKH0KOr4DYY8M9V4yqE4fzvYG3_gjwzf7kU3k3ZPTAcy_tvn4LaE/s1600/2016-01-09+10.58.29.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="285" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjckAFNU7QMigneAdIG2_UXbhXZoY4IsYotIeMMGg3Rter7ZGkWNs5vP-FWi3MsZMVENX9WuFlDgTjkDPpNbuXAkSGmfKH0KOr4DYY8M9V4yqE4fzvYG3_gjwzf7kU3k3ZPTAcy_tvn4LaE/s320/2016-01-09+10.58.29.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-46356483351023124192016-01-07T18:04:00.001-08:002016-01-07T18:04:19.777-08:00How?<div dir="ltr">
I was recently asked, "How? How did you get sober? How do you stay sober? How did you return to your normal life? How?"<br />
Being a Certified Peer Support Specialist, going to school to become a counselor, and attending church.... I know what I am suppose to say, but it caught me off guard. For one, my life is far from normal. Second, I don't think I have really slowed down to think about how I stay clean, because I am constantly battling my disease in my own head. Fighting those urges is something I believe I have become accustomed to. Third, I have never had someone be so blunt with their questioning- and of course I love it because it has my mind going. <br />
When I was using I would try so hard to play the normal life, when all that did was kick me further down in addiction. Coming out and admitting I am indeed an addict, has effected my life not just then but for life. Addiction is not something you just get over, it is something you fight for a lifetime. I know some people are highly disagreeing with me right now, but think about it.... you can't just get rid of addiction. That is like saying you would be able to hit it, snort it, slam it, or take it one more time and stop. Let's get real that's impossible and we will fight this battle from here on out. Now I think it comes easier to disreguard a thought and an urge the longer you stay sober, but it doesn't go away. So normal is no longer possible to me, but I have learned to be ok with this. Everytime someone misplaces their medicine, I get questioned. Anytime my eyes are red from lack of sleep I get the looks and questions. I am constantly reminded of my ugly past. I usually just turn to a friend discuss with them my feelings and the aggravation I have, and then leave it alone. I can't fight with them forever. I just wait until they find their medicine and say I told you. And never expect an apology, because they rarely come.<br />
So how do I stay sober? I stay away from people who do drugs and don't care to stop or see no problem in using. It's not that I don't like them, I just can't be around that. There are people out there that I still love and care about so much. Those people meant more to me than just a drug using time. This is something I pray about a lot. My family wants to blame my using on others, when I am fully responsible for my mistakes. I struggle with goodbyes that I still haven't been able to say. Again, I pray a lot about this.<br />
I am being treated for my mental illness. The majority of addicts suffer from an untreated mental illness.... hint: self medicate. I didn't think I was depressed, because I was already on one medication. It also didn't occur to me that maybe my medication wasn't working until I went through detox and a month after taking 2 of the strongest anti-depressants. I can remember I was in Bradford and we were able to go bowling one day. I caught myself smiling and laughing - SOBER!!!! I went to my counselor and said, " omg!!! I SMILED TODAY!!! AND LAUGHED!!!" I dont think I will ever forget that day. The day I finally felt happiness, fun, and joy. Don't be scared to go to the Dr. and don't be embarrassed to tell them what is going on with you. If you don't tell them the truth, you won't get the right diagnoses. That is like going to the Dr. and telling them my knee hurts. They will say it is probably arthritis, but if you tell them my knee pops out of place occasionally they will run more tests and properly diagnose. Many need to understand, "Medication won't fix a broken heart, or a damaged realtionship!!!"<br />
I am involved in a Ministry that helps recovering men transition back into life, and even though there is slim to none programs to help women... I will one day soon change that!!! I attend NA meetings occasionally. I travel over an hour away from my home to volunteer at an organization that is all about recovery. FORMLL and McLemore Consulting in Priceville. Why? Because it is what I have to do to stay sober, stay on the right path, and live the life that will make ME happy.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
I attend church as much as I can, because I owe my sobriety to God. There is no way I can leave God out of my sobriety. He has opened so many doors of opportunity. He has given me hope and lit my path when I was lost in a dark valley of the shadow of death. Without God I wouldn't be sober. When I have troubles, worries, trials, and temptation - I rely on God, because I know he has me and HE'S GOT THIS.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
How? It's a battle. It is NOT easy. It hurts. BUT IT IS WORTH IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS POSSIBLE. My HOW. May not be your how.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqBoLuS4-4aUviQeI5Kn46uy-w3Bv61XHhZPyBQdZA2j258FwNruWyKx1-WR2Kp0qJXvzJ3Wd3XfSErPqnDeQKFz3qGCzLvDgVjx5dfkta65WNrThIlHXxTuPoshvJk9hUOXKlKMbOrz6H/s1600/2016-01-07+20.01.34.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqBoLuS4-4aUviQeI5Kn46uy-w3Bv61XHhZPyBQdZA2j258FwNruWyKx1-WR2Kp0qJXvzJ3Wd3XfSErPqnDeQKFz3qGCzLvDgVjx5dfkta65WNrThIlHXxTuPoshvJk9hUOXKlKMbOrz6H/s320/2016-01-07+20.01.34.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-47718059001106208862016-01-03T19:25:00.001-08:002016-01-03T19:31:13.026-08:00Judging this Book by My Cover<div dir="ltr">
Don't judge a book by it's cover. How I wish the world was like. If I had to categorize my life I would probably list mine under Mystery. Being a mom predicts my mood and if you have children you will understand. Forget beauty sleep, but was I able to get sleep? Could I get a shower that day? Did I make time to eat or was that one of the many things I left off my to do list? Are my favorite jeans clean or were they in the pile of clothes I am washing for the third time due to forgetting to switch the clothes out from the washer to dryer? Did I put on mascara before I started brushing the boys teeth? I leave my house most mornings not put together from what you see.<br />
My cover may not be put together with a glam squad and all the free time I wish I had, but my story.... my story is about how a teenage girl who thought she had her life figured out, failed. Then lost herself. Married and had two blessings, but failed once again. She was so worried about how other families had it made, she drowned herself in her own pity. She became the beast in her very own story, and happiness was impossible. When that girl fell to the ground-rock bottom, she came back up fighting like a ninja (you can laugh a little). But how? How can you beat yourself and still find strength? It's not how but WHO? Who was that voice that spoke, "Let me in." "All things are possible only through me." WHO was my trainer? God!!! He has risen me from my own hell- hell, here on earth. <br />
Without my story, I wouldn't be so humble. I would probably still think the world revolved around me. I would be so selfish that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the struggles of being a mom. I wouldn't be able to love ANYONE as much as I do. I would have never experienced true love.<br />
My cover might be a mystery. Pj's one day, rocking the plaid the next day, and those leggings and yoga pants everyone posts on facebook as not clothes.... I even wear those in public; but my story is a fairytale. I am a princess in God's eyes. No matter what I look like, my husband thinks I'm beautiful (at least he tells me this lol). I'm not sure how or when my story will end, but I will live happily ever after with my heavenly father. My kind of story, but it's my story. Just don't judge my book by my cover.<br />
Love,<br />
Mary Beth<br />
</div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn4ExadnOVGJpywAhyphenhyphenU-zB3zi7Ny8UMBL5lraoe9vhr-9-cPJnPVUEsN4NfjFO2hSUiQ0kE4aHFFpVUNAKZ9P7lfn9xJyjWtxrP_2bq4X7IwQ3CgLybkwX7zjQRWAGiSAeHSM2NjdaBBcm/s1600/2015-07-27+14.45.19.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgn4ExadnOVGJpywAhyphenhyphenU-zB3zi7Ny8UMBL5lraoe9vhr-9-cPJnPVUEsN4NfjFO2hSUiQ0kE4aHFFpVUNAKZ9P7lfn9xJyjWtxrP_2bq4X7IwQ3CgLybkwX7zjQRWAGiSAeHSM2NjdaBBcm/s320/2015-07-27+14.45.19.jpg" width="222" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-33093524144201981022015-12-31T19:58:00.000-08:002015-12-31T19:58:45.919-08:00A new year to comeIn a year, I have experienced ups and downs, and my life isn't the same. I have experienced so many ups and downs. I have witnessed my sweet Maw Maw lose herself and become someone else due to Dementia. I see my mother come home many times with a broken heart, just trying to grasp on to the sadness of this roller coaster. Walking into the nursing home just praying it's a good day for her and she will still recognize my face.<br />
I lost my Foster dad to the sickness of Depression. I lost a man that loved me for me. The man who helped raise me and called me his own. Saying goodbye when all I wanted to say was see you soon.<br />
I got to experience my 1 year sobriety birthday. It's not been easy, but it is worth it.<br />
I have learned that people still hold onto my past... and I'm screaming inside, "LET HER GO!!!!"<br />
I have learned that I am smarter than what I give myself credit for. A honor roll for little ole me.<br />
I have met some great mentors that I will always be greatful for and so thankful that they are helping me with not only my future career but helping me learn and understand life in sobriety.<br />
I am still learning to be happy in life. There are things that I want different (I'm sure everyone wishes some things were a little different) but I am learning that it's temporary. Still working on patience.<br />
My Diddy worries about me a lot, and I understand it's out of love and caring. I am grateful for him and all that he does for me and my family. I can't tell him enough. But dad, "you don't have to worry so much anymore."<br />
My Wubby (my husband).... you are my rock. I love you so much and grateful for your hardwork, and the daddy you are to our boys. I couldn't deal with life without you. Everytime I get my feelings hurt I turn to you, because you know just what to say, and you know when to let me just be.<br />
My two angels. It hurts my heart to know that I failed at being your mother at one point in your life. So many say they were too young to remember, but my heart will never forget. You two are my sonshines and complete me.<br />
In a year, I have cried a lot, I have lost my temper several times, I have been proud of myself and my family, I have been hurt and had to learn how to express my heartache, I have been lonely, I have been happy, and so grateful for my God. My faith is stronger, but not perfect. I am not perfect, but a perfect mess. I have changed from a false reflection in the mirror, to a true christian who loves her Jesus and family.<br />
A new year sober! A new year to learn so much more. A new year to look up and have a talk with God.<br />
Goodbyes have been hard, so my new year resolution is to MAKE more time for the ones I love so much.<br />
Love,<br />
Mary Beth<br />
<br />
HAPPY NEW YEAR<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVzxBC0q67odvxkrK55goPtsadjgEVI9yecPrkyvfaKYB02yvbHsVAt44jX7Tr4Y7zolDFn-GeDL-XsRfQD4CcdJ43Olg1uiuee-Pv73tWkvEJnoNEfSEQoeSFBc7QhwPaYOX8sPuASPYa/s1600/2015-12-31+21.01.14.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVzxBC0q67odvxkrK55goPtsadjgEVI9yecPrkyvfaKYB02yvbHsVAt44jX7Tr4Y7zolDFn-GeDL-XsRfQD4CcdJ43Olg1uiuee-Pv73tWkvEJnoNEfSEQoeSFBc7QhwPaYOX8sPuASPYa/s320/2015-12-31+21.01.14.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5VXyzUNEwxqTtbucRuvCak7XiD1nIgsnkGCiMtOyCb-YvjwrMNvW4ADuBHegf9FZ2n-cjl8MSds4kIDW78L-UvgHfqB11Q_MbxspD1Z4A3aYLnVRinD3-mbAjN4iGHxu26GMCSm4VYBm/s1600/2015-12-31+21.55.03.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjh5VXyzUNEwxqTtbucRuvCak7XiD1nIgsnkGCiMtOyCb-YvjwrMNvW4ADuBHegf9FZ2n-cjl8MSds4kIDW78L-UvgHfqB11Q_MbxspD1Z4A3aYLnVRinD3-mbAjN4iGHxu26GMCSm4VYBm/s320/2015-12-31+21.55.03.jpg" width="180" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3mSH-9nnQGys3ALvRwy0qv9KAbxWDIcT4GS90BZE37lbkQwH5ZMLLDv70ORIeBZidFqvu80ss_RlFMeDDbM39q-GZTwipLRuLaiOlDCU2F8ZzGgYqSdIghWHRgDta-vn1KXFs_800ff5M/s1600/2015-12-31+21.55.57.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3mSH-9nnQGys3ALvRwy0qv9KAbxWDIcT4GS90BZE37lbkQwH5ZMLLDv70ORIeBZidFqvu80ss_RlFMeDDbM39q-GZTwipLRuLaiOlDCU2F8ZzGgYqSdIghWHRgDta-vn1KXFs_800ff5M/s320/2015-12-31+21.55.57.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<br />Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-9516006211933034062015-12-16T06:57:00.001-08:002015-12-16T18:52:19.481-08:00Marriage<div dir="ltr">
How do you know he/she is the one? Will our marriage last? Is this the same person I married? Should I keep fighting for our marriage? What is love? Seasons change, mountains appear, the tides get stronger, and nothing stays the same. Love has a part in marriage, but I have learned ACCEPTANCE is a huge part of a lasting love. <br />
Love is about not giving up. We all make mistakes, but love is when that person helps you back up and doesnt walk out on you. I can admit I am not the same woman my husband married years ago and he isn't the same man I married. As one of my friends said, "I'm not the same girl as I was yesterday." How true is that? I thank God for that, because without struggles our love wouldn't grow and become stronger. I can look at my husband with new eyes and a better heart. When I lied to him, I failed at being a wife. Even though I failed and screwed up, he never left me, he didn't abandon me when he was told to leave me. To me that is a lasting love. In recovery from addiction I changed. I changed a lot. Change is good when you are bettering yourself. Make sure you find that partner who is ready for those heartaches and heartbreaking changes, that partner who will hold out their hand to help you back up when you fall or breakdown- and not kick you or turn their back on you. <br />
I am grateful for my husband. He has wiped my tears in the middle of the night, he loved me when life was ugly, he loved me when I hated myself. He accepts me even though I'm not the same woman he married. People change; love changes. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
I can admit that:<br />
I loved my husband, when I didn't love myself. My husband loves me because he accepts me for who I am today and who I will possibly become tomorrow.<br />
Acceptance.<br />
Thank you Christopher!!<br />
Love,<br />
Mary Beth</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfg2HqPQ6KkJ7tpzISFt4Srob36iXyzl-eSUiC3KwMUv-D9iJtBlMmeTWMwF6DyZmiHTnKepdqCchSDQoXRDGo8tO-Sq94wiKc4k6RaIX7MrQ3dp_LDhKb7ayz0hRtF-leOyyjMp_yD4TQ/s1600/IMG_20151126_134216.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfg2HqPQ6KkJ7tpzISFt4Srob36iXyzl-eSUiC3KwMUv-D9iJtBlMmeTWMwF6DyZmiHTnKepdqCchSDQoXRDGo8tO-Sq94wiKc4k6RaIX7MrQ3dp_LDhKb7ayz0hRtF-leOyyjMp_yD4TQ/s320/IMG_20151126_134216.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div dir="ltr">
<br /></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-27907348187395473502015-12-06T15:26:00.001-08:002015-12-06T15:26:21.580-08:00Real People with True Stories for Redeemed<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="270" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/0a4rFDobXzM" width="480"></iframe>Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-60527617741550319132015-11-23T18:36:00.001-08:002015-11-24T07:48:25.346-08:00Addiction and Relationships<p dir="ltr">Pain. Whether it be physical or emotional, it has a large part in Addiction. When I entered into Bradford, I realized that I ran from pain. Whether it be greif, marital issues, failing as a mother, or the failure in society. My weakness was pain, and forgetting how to deal with it. To be brutally honest I lost myself. I didn't know what I wanted out of my life. I didn't know my purpose in life, because I was failing at/in everything. All of my pain was brought back to the surface in rehab, and there I sat not knowing how to control all my emotions, alone, overwhelmed at all the new issues I have created, relationships I destroyed, and nothing to numb the pain.<br>
Coming home from treatment was scarey, exciting, dredful, and intimidating. We have to realize that during the time we were helping ourselves, getting counseling, and coming to the realization of how sick we were and reasons of why we ran to drugs... our families are still just as hurt as the day they found out we were addicts. They had picked up our slack when we really shouldn't have even been in our position. My family was glad I got help, but their hearts were still broken by what I had become. They were disappointed, and to be honest I was disappointed in myself. My family still could not grasp nor understand who I had become and didn't truly know if that old me was ever gonna come back. I had lost all of their trust, my addiction affected them a lot longer than it had affected me. No one taught me how to rebuild these relationships. No one taught my family about what do we do now, what should we expect? <br>
We damage more relationships than we even acknowledge. We have to realize that not all relationships can be fixed, but we still have to put ourselves out there and voice our sincere apologies. Some relationships will be stronger than what they were before. For an example, I knew how to push my husband til he had to talk about my addiction. I knew he needed to express his hurt, anger, and frustration. As he broke and was voicing his emotions, I knew it was time for me to humble myself and realize I'M NOT THE VICTIM. We talked and he calmed down. I explained to him some of the pain and reasons why I used drugs. I also had to explain why I hid it from him. He was thinking I was doing drugs to have fun and party, but I was really ashamed of myself and feared he would leave me. I feared he would take my kids and run. <br>
When we come out of treatment, I know I was ok to talk about my addiction but when my dad would...it hurt me. I would get angry, and I would mentally beat myself up. Is that right? Is that fair? No. It's not. We can't come out of treatment and go through our lives only acknowledging OUR pain. We need to hear their hurts and pains. We need to know that we aren't the only ones who got hurt. We have to know what we need to be sorry over, and that will also help us show that we have changed. Communication, it's all we have to work with.<br>
With addiction we realize some people go, and we will also have people come into our lives that bless us. Recovering from addiction is a lot of rebuilding and repairing those broken relationships.</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-12552877161892157772015-11-11T16:58:00.001-08:002015-11-11T17:03:41.092-08:00Just a glimpse<p dir="ltr">I can remember the times we use to have, even though you can't. I remember the bond we had, even though you can't. I get so excited on the days you remember my name, even realizing you will forget once I leave.<br>
When I look into your eyes I can see exactly how confused you are, and to be honest it hurts my heart. I know you get aggitated and quiet frankly pissed off, because these people won't let you go home- to your old home. You have always been a woman to speak her mind, but not the outbursts you are having now. Life just isn't fair.<br>
At times I feel like the woman I knew is still in there. At other times I feel like I need to tell her goodbye. How weird would it be to tell someone you love goodbye and you love them even though they are physically still here on earth? Is it ok? Will I only see glimpses of her? <br>
I dred the day you don't know who I am? I know it's coming, but it is going to break my heart. So for now I hold onto that dredful fear, and still lay with you in bed and remind you of your family. Some may think this is crazy, some might kind of understand, others will get it. I worked in a nursng home for several years, but nothing can truly prepare you for experiencing your loved one with dementia.<br>
Dementia- is a long, very long, process of someone letting go of who they once were, and drifting into someone who doesn't understand anything.<br>
BUT no matter what you still hold a special place in my heart and you will always remain MY HERO that I get to call "Maw Maw".</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-11111281123450560812015-10-25T18:10:00.001-07:002015-10-25T18:11:56.893-07:00Prescription<p dir="ltr">We as a community, as a state, and as a whole need to realize addiction comes in different forms. Many people overlook the pill addiction. Maybe it's because we have a <b>prescription </b>for them, maybe it's because we make excuses for the <b>prescriptions</b>, or maybe it's because we don't realize the danger of them. Even if we have a prescription for a drug, we can still become an addict. When you realize you are out of your meds, but can't get your script filled for another two weeks; you should be concerned.<br>
I had a hard time admitting that my addiction has affected my life for many years. I had to realize the lies I told to get that prescription. I had to face the fact that I depended on these pills to help me function throughout my day. Then came that day when one just wasn't working like it use to. It became a habit to double up on them. Then shortly I would have to buy them off the street to ease the pain of withdrawals, but in my head it was because I had bad knees, bad back, and the Dr. needed to write me more. Stupid doctors, huh? Lol. Little did I know the monster was in me, alive, and roaring for more. But to me I didn't have a problem, I had a <b>prescription.</b><br>
Wasn't long until I noticed the pills weren't working like they use to, so I moved on and to something new. I once was that person who said, "People who did drugs were stupid, I will never do drugs, They were brought up that way, and me... I wasn't, I knew better." I never thought I would see the day that I would become an addict. I don't think addicts are stupid, I think addicts know more about life and the joys of overcoming our mistakes, failures, and fear. I truly believe recovering addicts have an amazing testimony because most of us have lived through hell. I laugh at my old way of thinking, because of my ignorance mainly. Even though we teach our kids to say no to drugs, it's critical to teach our kids if they do make a mistake it's important to come to us. We teach our kids the wrongs, but we need them to know we are here to help them also.<br>
So <b>prescriptions </b>can still make us an addict.<br>
Love,<br>
Mary Beth</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-1160857564099304932015-10-22T16:09:00.001-07:002015-10-22T21:13:08.486-07:00When you just "don't get it"<p dir="ltr">Here lately I have been helping not only addicts find help, but those family members who 'just don't get it'. So this blog is dedicated to those we truly do love, those we lied to, and to those we hurt, but just don't understand us. It's usually difficult for us to see the damage of the drug, because inside we are a complete wreck ourselves. It was only last month, I was able to admit that I was suicidal when I was using drugs and I have been in recovery for a year- I'm not saying that to brag, I am saying this to show that it takes a very long time to not only to admit to our struggles but to grow. We use drugs to try to escape our pain, to help us deal with life, and to try to fill a void. We begin to drown in our shame, then it becomes the only way we know how to function... and yes it happens just that fast. When we try to explain to others about our drug use, we usually end it with "you just don't get it." In reality, it's just hard to explain the sadness, shame, and resentment of our choices. It's hard to admit to ourselves, better yet others that we have lost all control. We have become our worst nightmare. We have children and still not able to get a grip of ourselves. There are times we want help and still can't quit. Does this mean you should give up on us? Does this mean we should tell those who have relapsed there is no hope? No. And NO. We are sick individuals, who are broken. But we still need support, we still have dreams, and we are still human beings who need to hear, "Good job!"<br>
I think sooo highly of those who are active in their addiction and ask for help. I was never able to be that person. I was in rehab for several days, with many counselors, several Dr. visits before I could even admit that I had a problem. So to those who recognize/realize they have a problem I applaud. To those who find the courage to even ask for someone's help is more courageous than I can explain. So to those who 'just don't get it', it is ok that you don't understand us, but it is very very important to praise the smallest steps towards recovery... because those "good jobs, im proud of you, keep it up". Those little words of encouragment helps us to not give up. So what might seem only common sense to you, is one hurdle a sick friend, sister, mother, brother, father, or niece just conquered. Recovery is hard and it deserves a pat on the back. Recovery is IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT SUPPORT.<br>
Love,<br>
Mary Beth</p>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-82415515576845254962015-10-17T18:07:00.000-07:002015-10-17T18:07:54.293-07:00My FOSTER DAD<div dir="ltr">
They say you can't pick family, but you and your family proved this wrong. People misunderstood you as stern, strict, and stubborn. In my eyes you was a teddy bear, that had the sweetest heart. You included me as one of your own, as I did you. From family vacations to summer long stays with yall, from long road trips to Texas to the annoying popeye game I made you all play. From helping Carolyn cook your meals to my spot right next to you at the table. From 4 wheeler rides to lunch at grandma's. From the pickled eggs to the steak fat (considering that was the only part of the steak I would eat). I have so many memories and thank you's I still needed to say. <br />
Thank you for teaching me all that you did. Thank you for accepting me when it was your choice. Thank you for loving me when you didnt have to. Thank you for allowing me to live with ya'll most of my childhood. Thank you for counting me as yours. Thank you for loving me for me. Thank you for allowing another child be brought up when yours was gone. Foster dad is what you will always be, and thank you for taking on that role.<br />
Foster Dad showed me one of the most important things in my life.... and that is you can pick family, you can care for someone like they are family, you can build a relationship that will never be forgotten. I feel so much heartbreak and wish I would have made more time for visits. So now that you have left me, I can only dream about the next time we will visit. I know you're happy and hugging sweet grandma, but just remember I will see you one day and I will continue to annoy 'MY FOSTER FAMILY' with the popeye game, because in all honesty it wasn't the game that I loved so much it was the smiles and laughter we shared. I LOVE YOU!!!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wDf975JQ1Nq3IqY2XaezGEAsdp0nceHfRmOetTYx1V76T076Oc9L2Of4aMCnwEATYmjcFMhfeXvJDA8Q7NtSPqd4SKFAhyP3RBHWVOLQgNiBcX2nqb6UWsYjcNV0NAcBCOBHnEPGR1fD/s1600/2015-10-17+20.02.32.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8wDf975JQ1Nq3IqY2XaezGEAsdp0nceHfRmOetTYx1V76T076Oc9L2Of4aMCnwEATYmjcFMhfeXvJDA8Q7NtSPqd4SKFAhyP3RBHWVOLQgNiBcX2nqb6UWsYjcNV0NAcBCOBHnEPGR1fD/s320/2015-10-17+20.02.32.jpg" width="295" /></a></div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-32721028155756900692015-10-12T09:25:00.001-07:002015-11-18T04:42:45.844-08:00Now What???<div dir="ltr">
I am being asked questions here lately about how should a person get sober? Church, rehab, on your own, and etc. How does a person stay sober? The only way I know how to explain this is, "Everyone who started using drugs, used drugs for different reasons. Recovery is the same way. Some might get more hope from church groups, some might get more help out of NA meetings. There are a lot of different options, you just have to research and TRY THEM ALL." I go to my church groups and attend NA. <br />
I realize there are a lot of ways to get clean, but many struggle with the "<b>Now what</b>?" Now that I'm sober, I have completely cut all ties with the 'old friends', and Im left here in my home with no ride, no money, and in complete isolation. Which in case you don't know, isolation is the main, huge, red flag of a relapse. So, "<b>Now what</b>?" </div>
<div dir="ltr">
Now that I have disappointed my family, lost trust of my whole community, not allowed to be alone with my own children, have no friends, no car to get around, and no money to do retail therapy. I am this lonely broken soul who is faced with my vulnerabilities, without any encouraging words, only those "you knew better". Being surrounded by those who don't understand our struggles, can be discouraging at times. Even though we know we don't cope with life's obstacles the same way as others, we are learning. It's always reassuring when we are around other recovering addicts, it gives us the hope of possibilities. It's nice to hear that they understand us, and shows/tells us ways to get over our struggles. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
No one should tell you all you need is N.A. No one should tell all you need is church. When I was first in my recovery I had a lot of anger towards God. Going to church and hearing all the good he does was not what I had in mind. I went to Narcotics Anonymous, working the steps is what got me to start working on my relationship with my God. Now I go to my church meetings that is full of people just like me. People who made mistakes, but work on bettering themselves and their relationship with God. This support group "Redeemed Ministries" are my family. I can call on them and they answer with an open ear, and if needed a shoulder to cry on. They don't judge me for my past, they don't judge me for my daily struggles. They accept me with open arms and encouraging words. I love them all.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Narcotics Anonymous is a group of recovering addicts who talk and study the Twelve Steps. This group brings awareness to a lot of different things. Recently, I learned how to become aware of my thinking. Realizing my ways that got me started in my downward spiral. </div>
<div dir="ltr">
So finding a support group is critical. Cutting ties with all of those who still use is esp. important. So if you don't know what will help you, then I will say, "Try it all. Any support is better than none at all. Just stay away from the drugs, or else you will have to start all that hard work back over again. That is if you make it." I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just being real with you.<br />
Wednesday nights there is a Support Group at Easley Baptist church at 6:00. Everyone and anyone is invited.</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Love,</div>
<div dir="ltr">
Mary Beth</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS3bEQnrZh833WQYsiqwtYQ4SY9bJbS1aDGQM5RNNXUZtublzVu0AbBfwOFg2vZ7xIhAt3GnqQN0UHJTGlctiaXCx3HUw56J0QXFWsF_3kgu97LaXCeNk8qrv_twqNK0U8KWDt92Iq91Cm/s1600/2015-10-12%25252010.35.22.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS3bEQnrZh833WQYsiqwtYQ4SY9bJbS1aDGQM5RNNXUZtublzVu0AbBfwOFg2vZ7xIhAt3GnqQN0UHJTGlctiaXCx3HUw56J0QXFWsF_3kgu97LaXCeNk8qrv_twqNK0U8KWDt92Iq91Cm/s640/2015-10-12%25252010.35.22.jpg" /> </a> </div>
Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1026597912941517906.post-88212673272422326162015-09-24T20:23:00.001-07:002015-09-24T20:40:45.108-07:00Powerlessness (1st step)<p dir="ltr">As a recovering addict, many probably think that I realized early on that I was powerless over my addiction. Many addicts use drugs to gain that power. The power to work harder, concentrate better, or the power to face another day. It took some time for me to see that the drug I used, actually made me lose what meant the most to me. I lost the power to be myself, I lost my parents, I lost my kids, and I lost everyone's trust. I can remember some of my friends/family members say, "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me? You know I would have done something to help." Truth is... I was no longer in control. I was powerlessness. I didn't want/need your help. I was a monster in my own head who was in denial. I didn't quiet understand the severity of my using-abusing. I couldn't admit my problems when I couldn't see them myself. It wasn't until I was beaten by my addiction, that I became willing to admit I had a problem. I get it now. I WAS POWERLESSNESS OVER MY ADDICTION. It controlled not only me physically, mentally, but spiritually. I could no longer manage my life. I was on a roller coaster that was headed straight to hell.<br>
Being in recovery, we slowly gain our power back that the drug stripped us of. We can control our minds, get our kids back, get our strength built back up, get our hearts right, and all that we can do is say, "I'm sorry." I have lost friendships because I lied, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness for the monster I once was and had NO CONTROL OVER. I was someone that I no longer am.<br>
I know how it feels to experience a powerlessness thats like a slow suicide.<br>
Love,<br>
Mary Beth</p>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFiGr5oc-rFZoFCyV2xTXMefANHASuBVv29xRn9XbpdnBC6wqB5dYH5sSRI0jDs9t3yy1Cg9POpM39bxbQi-4QBYnPNhq__n7d9ndZcnNju57HeIyNY-TmG7bUL3v_PJzsZ4T14mnQ5Kh/s1600/2015-09-24%25252021.45.11.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzFiGr5oc-rFZoFCyV2xTXMefANHASuBVv29xRn9XbpdnBC6wqB5dYH5sSRI0jDs9t3yy1Cg9POpM39bxbQi-4QBYnPNhq__n7d9ndZcnNju57HeIyNY-TmG7bUL3v_PJzsZ4T14mnQ5Kh/s640/2015-09-24%25252021.45.11.png"> </a> </div>Mary Beth Robertsonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08053728722097502592noreply@blogger.com0