Now What???

I am being asked questions here lately about how should a person get sober? Church, rehab, on your own, and etc. How does a person stay sober? The only way I know how to explain this is, "Everyone who started using drugs, used drugs for different reasons. Recovery is the same way. Some might get more hope from church groups, some might get more help out of NA meetings. There are a lot of different options, you just have to research and TRY THEM ALL." I go to my church groups and attend NA.
I realize there are a lot of ways to get clean, but many struggle with the "Now what?" Now that I'm sober, I have completely cut all ties with the 'old friends', and Im left here in my home with no ride, no money, and in complete isolation. Which in case you don't know, isolation is the main, huge, red flag of a relapse. So, "Now what?"

Now that I have disappointed my family, lost trust of my whole community, not allowed to be alone with my own children, have no friends, no car to get around, and no money to do retail therapy. I am this lonely broken soul who is faced with my vulnerabilities, without any encouraging words, only those "you knew better". Being surrounded by those who don't understand our struggles, can be discouraging at times. Even though we know we don't cope with life's obstacles the same way as others, we are learning. It's always reassuring when we are around other recovering addicts, it gives us the hope of possibilities. It's nice to hear that they understand us, and shows/tells us ways to get over our struggles. 

No one should tell you all you need is N.A. No one should tell all you need is church. When I was first in my recovery I had a lot of anger towards God. Going to church and hearing all the good he does was not what I had in mind. I went to Narcotics Anonymous, working the steps is what got me to start working on my relationship with my God. Now I go to my church meetings that is full of people just like me. People who made mistakes, but work on bettering themselves and their relationship with God. This support group "Redeemed Ministries" are my family. I can call on them and they answer with an open ear, and if needed a shoulder to cry on. They don't judge me for my past, they don't judge me for my daily struggles. They accept me with open arms and encouraging words. I love them all.

Narcotics Anonymous is a group of recovering addicts who talk and study the Twelve Steps. This group brings awareness to a lot of different things. Recently, I learned how to become aware of my thinking. Realizing my ways that got me started in my downward spiral. 

So finding a support group is critical. Cutting ties with all of those who still use is esp. important. So if you don't know what will help you, then I will say, "Try it all. Any support is better than none at all. Just stay away from the drugs, or else you will have to start all that hard work back over again. That is if you make it." I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just being real with you.
Wednesday nights there is a Support Group at Easley Baptist church at 6:00. Everyone and anyone is invited.

Love,

Mary Beth

Powerlessness (1st step)

As a recovering addict, many probably think that I realized early on that I was powerless over my addiction. Many addicts use drugs to gain that power. The power to work harder, concentrate better, or the power to face another day. It took some time for me to see that the drug I used, actually  made me lose what meant the most to me. I lost the power to be myself, I lost my parents, I lost my kids, and I lost everyone's trust. I can remember some of my friends/family members say, "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me? You know I would have done something to help." Truth is... I was no longer in control. I was powerlessness. I didn't want/need your help. I was a monster in my own head who was in denial. I didn't quiet understand the severity of my using-abusing. I couldn't admit my problems when I couldn't see them myself. It wasn't until I was beaten by my addiction, that I became willing to admit I had a problem. I get it now. I WAS POWERLESSNESS OVER MY ADDICTION. It controlled not only me physically, mentally, but spiritually. I could no longer manage my life. I was on a roller coaster that was headed straight to hell.
Being in recovery, we slowly gain our power back that the drug stripped us of. We can control our minds, get our kids back, get our strength built back up, get our hearts right, and all that we can do is say, "I'm sorry." I have lost friendships because I lied, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness for the monster I once was and had NO CONTROL OVER. I was someone that I no longer am.
I know how it feels to experience a powerlessness thats like a slow suicide.
Love,
Mary Beth

A YEAR

Let me start out with, I am a small town kinda gal. I live in a town with approximately 1,500 people, give or take. Everybody knows everybody and their business. It was a shock to my little town when they found out I was addicted to crystal meth. It's still a shock to myself. I never imagined me being a drug addict, but who does? I choose to speak out about my past and not hide it in my closet, so others can learn and others know they aren't alone.
Being 29 years old, a mother to two little boys, and husband working out of state; I felt overwhelmed, and experienced a loneliness that I could never put into words. I had many friends and family members, but couldnt express to them how sick I truly was or if I tried it seemed as though they couldn't understand the severity of it all. Turning to a drug to try and help me was a mistake. As my life continued to fall apart, but at a lot faster speed; I hit rock bottom. Going into rehab was no choice for me. Rehab got me sober, but when you leave there we are put right back where we started. I got my heart right with my Lord, and decided it was time to change. Many family members were hesitant, but I don't blame them. My recovery is up to me, and I'm the only one who is responsible for it. I fought the battle against the devil. Some may say I lost, but I see it as I'm defeating him everyday I live sober. Recovery is a lot of change, faith, and careful of your surroundings.
A year ago I found out that addiction doesn't have a type. Addiction will not only tear apart a family but a person. So I say this with joy....
Here is to a year where I found my Lord, I found myself, I picked myself up and rather put my pieces back together i started anew, I have realized I lost many friends but gained sooo many more, my family may not celebrate my recovery birthday but they are proud, I realized it's ok to cry, I found a new path that looks soo much brighter, I realize I love myself again. One year ago I had to face the fact that I was sick, I was took away from my family to get better. If I could go back I know I wouldn't want to be an addict but I honestly don't think I want to change that. SHOCKING, I know. If it weren't for my mistakes I wouldn't be the girl I am today, human. But a much happier human that can smile without frowning on the inside. I'm proud to be able to hold out my hand and actually help those fallen back up. Just to share my story and have those family members facebook me and ask me heart to heart questions about my addiction, if we don't explain no one will ever get it.
So here is to many more years.
It's been great and worth it!!
Love,
Mary Beth

Step UP

I can remember being taught when I was a little one, to stand up for what I believed in. As I grew older, my life begin to take off or some would say fall apart. I didn't know how to deal with obstacles in my life or traumatic experinces. I was always taught to keep going, but I was different because it seemed as though I just sank. When I was lonely-I was all alone. When I was sad- I was all alone. When I needed help- I was all alone. As I look back, I know I pushed my loved ones away, I know I backed down as though I was a helpless child in corner, I know I was a mess, I know I wouldnt listen to anyone, but that's because no one could understand my pain- addiction. So I thought.
Entering into rehab was NOT my first step, because I went unwillingly. My first step towards recovery was STEPPING UP and admitting to myself and others that yes I am indeed an addict. I can remember STEPPING UP and admitting my wrongs, dealing with my weaknesses, and facing my fears. STEPPING UP and apologizing for the hurt I caused my family. STEPPING UP and admitting, "I'm scared!" STEPPING UP  and sharing my story, not hiding my past to make myself look good, but to show my brothers and sisters in addiction or recovery that it is possible. We shouldn't be ashamed of the obstacles we have overcome to get to where we are in life today, and that is sober with the ability to help others. With September being Recovery Month, lets all STEP UP- share your story (speak out), lend a hand, rid of your shame, and be proud of the battle we have fought... we have learned, changed, and able to love ourselves. So STEP UP AND BE PROUD OF YOUR RECOVERY!!! WE DESERVE IT!!!
Being in the Human Services Program at Wallace State Community College, we are Stepping Up for those who need help. We encourage everyone to STEP UP.

Is that My Voice?

Is that My Voice?

I never knew how uneducated I was about the devil's works and goals. I never realized the voice in my head that belittled me, convinced me, and preached the negative of myself was the work of him. I mean it was my voice or at least it sounded like me. All along, I thought I was talking to myself. I have always joked with friends and family about how it's ok if you talk to yourself, but it's bad when you start to answer yourself. Lol. Well, I wished I would have listened to my own jokes. I can remember all these bad thoughts would flood my head- No one really cares about you, you think God is going to help you now that you're on drugs, you think your husband loves you- he cant even stand to be home with you, no one wants to help you, no one cares about your troubles much less your struggles, you tried God and look where you stand- alone, broken, and a used soul that can't be repaired. I begin to believe these lies.

How could I even begin to turn my life around? Happiness was something I could no longer piece in my life, self-respect disappeared, Faith disintegrated, my spirit was broken, and worst of all I sold my soul to the devil. I wanted more than anything to begin again, but that was something I wasn't equipped to do. All I knew to do was run, and when I say run I mean numb, my issues. I was trying to lie my way out of being my family's disappointment. There were many problems I was trying to run and hide from starting with my marriage problems, my family issues, and being so weak that I turned to drugs.

When I thought about quitting, I thought quitting the drug itself was going to be the hardest part, but the truth is that was the easiest part of it all. The hardest part is staying away from it, changing your entire life, from the way you handle life, people who were in your life, the friends you have to let go of, the places that hold your painful past, speaking the truth of all the lies I told, expressing feelings that I am not comfortable with; then you have to go about asking for forgiveness, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, let go of your shame, but most of all live your life for/through Jesus Christ. PRAY TO HIM ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I am positive I have heard that advice many times, but failed to follow threw with it.

When I was using, it didn't help me like I thought, my darkness became my darkest and deepest depression that I ever could imagine. I didn't thank God much, because I couldn't see my blessings through my pain and loneliness. Selfish. I know this, but isn't that how the devil works? He would use the expression: 'Well no one is perfect everyone sins." So, if I do this sin and still go to church on Sunday, isn't that still praising the good Lord?"

I have wasted more time trying to justify my reasons of using, rather than doing what I really wanted deep down. I wanted to be right with God, but I failed. I wanted blessings, but I couldn't get ahold of my sin. I wanted to let go of my resentment and fears, but I couldn't rid the devil. Rehab was a must for me, that's where I could finally get in touch with God, without giving in to the devil. That's where me and my father reunited.

Change is not easy. No matter what anyone says. IT IS HARD!!!! AND WELL WORTH THE HARDSHIP AND STRUGGLE!!! Many people don't understand or maybe I should say they underestimate the relationship us recovering addicts have with God (HOLY ROLLERS). Call us what you want, but when you have walked through a valley, with a shadow of death you realize we owe everything in us to God. The things he had gotten us through, and we are able to see the miracles that he worked/works in us and for us. I will roll with God from here on out.

It is hard to keep up with this world, it's hard to be married, it's hard to be a parent, it's hard to find a good job, it's hard trying to fix a failing relationship, it's hard when you are alone with no support, it's hard when our loved one's left us, abused us, mistreated us, or used us, and etc. Life is hard even when God is on our side and in our heart. Don't think once you get sober it's all downhill from there, because we fight a battle everyday of our life- everyone does.

So, why is it so important to be obedient to Jesus Christ? Because when you finally surrender and let him take over the beauty that comes back into your life is: a purpose for living, happiness, care, joy, proudness, hope, and not only a better future but a  brighter one, peace, and a life you are ready to live to your fullest.

I once told a friend of mine, when I was using I wasn't afraid to die, but now being sober I'm still not scared, but I have so much in my life to fight for. I have so many blessings. I actually wake up in the mornings, ready to live, ready to discover, ready to learn, and ready for my new journey of fulfilled happiness.

Don't let that little voice fool you, he did me. Instead talk to God. I promise he is waiting on you to ask for him to come into your life. God bless you all!!!!

Redeemed Ministries based in Cleveland, AL.

They are opening a "Transition House" to house men coming out of rehab, and help transition them back into life.

Women's house coming soon.



Without

Without happiness comes sadness,

Without courage comes discourage,

Without honesty comes dishonest,

Without trust comes lies,

Without beauty comes the beast,

Without faith comes fear,

Without light comes darkness,

Without acceptance comes rejection, 

Without love comes madness,

Without free will comes addiction.

Addiction makes you into a dishonest beast that lies about their own sadness, madness, or the feeling of rejection. An addict gets discouraged of our fear of that darkness.

A recovering addict can see that light and begins to love the beauty of happiness. We have courage to help another addict, and trust in each other's honesty. For the first time we feel accepted. To have faith and free will makes us feel human again.

 just for today

Detox

I have realized that there is a lot of my story untold. I have had a lot of people ask me if I thought rehab would work on someone who is not willing to go. I want to point out, I did not go into rehab willingly, because I wasn't an addict. Yes, I was doing drugs, but I didn't have a problem with them- I thought.

When you go into rehab, you go straight into detox (detox- a process or period of time in which one abstains from or rids the body of toxic or unhealthy substances). The nurse was taking my vitals and asking me questions that I had just recently answered. "Are you homicidal? Are you suicidal? Are you withdrawing? Craving? Are you hurting anywhere? And if so on a scale 1-10? When did you sleep last? How many hours did you sleep? What is in your system? What is your D.O.C. (D.O.C.- drug of choice)? When did you start that drug? How often?" I got asked those same questions I know six times and then on top of that they ask you four times a day everyday you spend in detox. I'm not sure what made me realize I do have a problem and "I am an addict." It could have been me constantly answering the questions or maybe it was because I was physically and emotionally drained, but it didn't register until my third day there. I'm not going to sit here and say,"it's a breeze because it hurts!!" I had body aches all over, I figured it was from the tabs (ewwww woooo they aren't worth the addiction). I can remember feeling every muscle and every joint ache and throb. I still consider myself very lucky, because just by my observation there were some that shaked, sweat, vomit- and out the other end, some were ranting and raving, kicking and screaming, threatening and crying, and God bless their souls some who died.

You go to bed at 8:00 or so-that is if you even decide to go to bed. Then up every morning at 5:00AM for vitals and meds... Of course I had dr and psychiatrists visits and if you are anything like me you become quiet acquainted with the smoking area. I can remember crying a lot, a whole lot- mainly because I failed as a mother, as a wife, a daughter, sister, friend, etc. I failed myself. I was ashamed of myself, resented myself, questioned God. 

I met some amazing people that I will never forget. People there that made an impact on my life and they didn't even realize it. It wasn't until my second day there that I was introduced to my family.

My Secret Life

As an addict I lived a secret life. For many months, I tried to cover my pain and low self-esteem by painting on a smile, hiding behind phony images, and happy facebook status that I hope would fool others. Unfortunately, I fooled myself more than anyone. Although I often seemed/appeared confident and happy, I was really hiding a shakey, unhappy, lonely, and insecure person on the inside.

Strangely, I asked myself- Do I really want to rid of my resentments, my anger, my fear, my shame? I realized that I cling to fears, doubts, and self-loathing or hatred, because it's like it seems safer to hold onto what we know rather than to let go for the unknown.

Losing faith is what caused me so much pain and misery. I felt as though I couldn't handle the ordeal of life all by myself. It wasn't until I had made a big mess of my life that I realized I couldn't do this alone. 

God has turned my messy mistakes and sinful living into my new blessing. I am not only learning but growing everyday, but in his eyes I am perfectly incomplete. I'm still picking up pieces and realize there are some parts, people, and things that I have lost and won't get back because of my wrong doings. What's so beautiful is my Heavenly Father has never given up on me nor failed me, when I didn't trust in him, got angry with him, and questioned, "God why? My parents? My husband? My baby gems? Esp my babies? How could you?" Now Mary Beth you can reach out to many of those who are still sick, and only you because you fought your way through and let me back in. 

I no longer have to live in lies, in pain, and hurt night after night. I live the truth, for God, my family, and for other addicts I am their hope.

Reasoning for blog & a lil About Me

I am a 29 year old woman, mother of two boys, a sister to two older siblings, and married to my high school sweetheart. I have decided to blog about my journey of recovery from addiction. Some addicts say it's a part of their life that they are not proud of and would much rather lock it up in a closet. Me, on the other hand, am willing to speak about those days because if it wasn't for those skeletons I would not be the person I am today.... Sober and back in school. As my favorite talk host (Steve Harvey) has said,"My failures have gotten me closer to my goals." I realize not only my disappointments but my families disappointments has opened my eyes to the mother, wife, sister, and daughter I want/need to be. Obviously I've never been perfect, nor am I ever going to be. I am willing to share my imperfections with others and just maybe someone could learn from my mistakes or better yet help me embrace my own.