Sunday, July 16, 2017

What do you see?

When you look at me,
What do you see?
Maybe, I am scared to know.
Maybe, I don't want you to see.

Do you see my past?
Do you see my victories?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see me healing?
Do you see the pieces that are still missing?
Do you see I found my way?
What do you see?
Do you see my fear?
Do you see my dedication?
Do you see the battle going on inside my head?
Do you see me trying to ignore what I hear?
What is it that you see?
Do you see that some things still hurt?
Do you see I am growing?
Do you see my weaknesses?
Do you see my strength?
Do you see I have good days?
Do you see I have bad days?
What do you see?
Do you see bad choices?
Do you see I had no control?
What is it that you see?
Do you see a reflection?
Do you see deeper?
What do you see, when you look in that mirror?
What is it that you see?

Mary Beth

Monday, April 24, 2017

The eyes of a Child

I took on a challenge. As I sat my 4 year old son up on the bathroom counter, I begin to wash his face. As I look at him, I see a baby face that is beginning to slim up. I see freckles that are shyly appearing on his cheeks and nose. I take in the structure of his little face. His eyes show wander, interest of what things are, and why we have them. He is looking at me and anyone that knows my Bryson knows he is constantly talking and explaining his stories of his crystals, jewels, and fighting the monsters away. This time he was quite. Scared to hear what my 4 year old would say or see. I asked him, "what do you see when you look at me?" He replied, "blue and pretty."
As a mom I struggle with my body image. I struggle with patience. I am no better or worse than any other mom raising two little boys. I struggle with disciplining them, and many times I feel guilty when I do.
A child can be brutally honest at times, but they are so pure. To hear him say those things made my heart melt. He wasnt worried about how it would make me feel. I looked in the mirror and prayed for the vision of a child, to have the eyes of a child is what God has blessed them with. Something I wanted to share.
A mom
(Blue and Pretty)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Living or Surviving

I was in my car driving while my boys sat in the back seat watching the movie "The Croods". As I drove to our destination, I began listening to it. One small line from that movie has made me realize a lot. "This isn't living, this is surviving."
Wow. How are you going through your life right now? Are you living? Or are you just surviving? When I was addicted I was doing nothing but surviving. Trying to fight another day of deep dark depression, fighting the thoughts of suicide, and trying to get through another day. I became a walking dead person with a paralysing emotion of anger, fear, and loneliness. There was no life within me.... I was only trying to survive a slow death.
Recovery is what has taught me how to live. Living and learning my personal lessons, even through the sad times and the hard times, but now I have more good times than I ever thought was imaginable. Recovery surely isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now knowing the life I can now live is forever worth every hardship. Going to treatment was scarey. I was leaving behind all that I knew and my babies that I love, and entering into a place with nothing to ease my pain or numb my emotions. Treatment taught me a huge lesson..."Living is what we have to relearn, but with more tools in our toolbox." Sometimes we feel like everything is against us, but when we fight for what we love we come out stronger and better. I no longer go through my days just trying to survive a harsh world. I live like I have a purpose, a Godly purpose. Surviving can be so difficult when you are surrounded by darkness in your head and heart. Living in a spiritual life has become refreshing and rewarding. Live your life.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

How would you live?

If you knew the numbered days you have left here on earth, would you live different?
Would you spend more time with your parents? Would you sit down and tell them thank you for working your entire life just to give me the life I was blessed with? Would you hug and tell them you loved them more often?
Would you tell your siblings I love you everyday? Would you share more laughter with them? Would you stop texting and actually call them?
Would you tell your spouse thank you? Thank you for loving me on my worst day. Would you tell them about the lies that were told in your own head that you were all alone, but the actual truth is that they were there by your side the entire time? Would you tell them I am sorry for all those fights I started because it really had nothing to do with you... I was just having a crappy day. Would you explain to them that seeing them laugh brightens my day? Would you love them different? Would you love them more?
Would you parent your children different? Would you personally take your children places and make more memories with them? Would you enjoy their cries more? Would you join in with laughter when they are laughing? Would you be the same parent that you are today?
Would you work on your relationship with God more? Would you tell others about what God has done in your life? Would you be thankful for the days you still have? Would you be a better Christian?
Our days are numbered and I know on most of these questions I (myself) answered yes I would do more to almost every question.... so why wait? Why do we wait until the end to give our best? Life begins to mean something precious to us all when it is close to the end. Lets change this. Make everyday precious and live it to the fullest. Why don't we show more appreciation through out our lives? Change is hard, but change for the good.
How would you live? Live like our days are numbered.

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Not many know this, so here we go. I have always wanted a sister that I was unseperable with. I wanted that sister who would know when to call or know something was up/wrong. I wanted that bond that many have with their sisters. My twinkie. Truth is me and my sister could not be more opposite than we are. Even with our differences I just realized how wrong I have been and I have that sister.
Let me tell you some things about us more about her.
She was the first person to write me in rehab.
She sent me make-up, when she dont even wear it.
Other than my husband and parents, she was the only other person I talked to in rehab.
She can give me a reality check knowing it will piss me off and give me my space until I realize what is going on.
She asks me questions out of the blue about my recovery, how I am, and why I did certain things when I was active in my addiction.
She encourages me in my lowest points and she does not even realize how bad of a day I have had.
She pushes me to get fit.
She is my personal trainer- free of charge.
She takes my clothes when my closet is overflowing.
She cheers me on when I feel like giving up.
We have memories that no one understands.
She is my best friend and I never thanked her for the times she was heartbroken over my actions, but still never gave up. She does more for me than anyone knows. Mandy, thank you. I love you.
Many times we think relationships should only be fun and sweet, but truth is our relationships grow when we experience hurt and heartaches. We see each others struggles and mend those broken moments. If it is not perfect, it means it is growing.
Love, Mary Beth

Sunday, July 17, 2016

True facts about me

Our society is harsh. Now that social media is a part of our everyday lives the pressure is overwhelming. We are competitive with that person on Facebook who seems to be perfect and has the perfect family. The person on Instagram who is always on cloud nine. The person on Snapchat who has a magical and booming life. The person on Twitter who.... well I don't know because I don't tweet.
Can I be honest? And let's be truthful. They are fake, you are fake, and I am fake. No one has a perfect life, but the pressure is to put on like you do.
As a woman, a person in recovery, I want to be true. True to who I am and who God has made me. Sooo here we go with my uglies.
I am an addict.
I have bad days.
I get my feelings hurt.
My kids are not perfect, and sometimes they get on my nerves.
I have issues with my self image. BAD!
I double think way too much.
I smoke.
I cuss.
I get jealous.
I miss my husband everyday of the week.
I get lonely.
I feel crazy sometimes.
I need to pray more.
I need to make more time for my friends.
I usually miss church, because it seems easier to deal with my children.
I cannot stand the fact that people are really two-faced.
My depression sometimes gets the best of me.
I dont like swimsuit pictures of myself.
I get ashamed of my past.
It is hard to tell my kids no.
I want to sleep A LOT, but only during the day.  At night I can't go to sleep.
I dont excercise enough.
I drink too much sugar.
I get mad.
I play Pokemon Go.
I stay on my phone way too much.
I don't like to clean.
I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work.
I let my kids play with electronics.
I want my hair long when it is short.
I shop too much.
I am scared of what people say about me.
I am not perfect and that is the truth. I have to remind myself that the person's profile on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat isn't neither. I make mistakes everyday. We have to remember what is real and what isn't. What's real is my love for God and my family. I have to take it one day at a time too. I am one mess up from being screwed up. Just keeping it real tonight.
Mary Beth

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

No Man is an Island

No man is an island. For many years of my life, I felt alone. I felt as though no one could undertand my pain. I tried to deny my struggles as often as I could, because I felt like I was failing as a mom and as a woman if I showed or admitted my weaknesses. Pride can tear you apart if you are not careful.
If we are not honest with ourselves and others about our struggles they begin to become overwhelming. It is like a shadow- it starts out small, but the longer you stand there the bigger it gets. The shadow even moves touching different aspects of our life, until eventually there is no light at all- consumed by darkness, fear, and the need for a glimmer of light. Being open about our struggles we begin to figure out... we are not alone. We begin to see that there are others who struggle with this exact thing. Don't confuse this as a coincidence, because this is God's work.
I had a friend pass away at a young age, and not too long ago I saw her mother and we began to talk. She now works in a funeral home. I thought to myself, "How? And why?" As she begin to tell me how much it means to her to help those who lost their loved ones and she can relate to their pain. "Wow!" She is God's work. She can support those who are experiencing a moment of loneliness. She can hold their hand and shine a glimmer of light on how life can still be possible. No man is an island.
Support is what we give and recieve, but we have to be open and honest. Remember no man is an island God is with us and sends people into our lives for something that we need or need to give.
Mary Beth