Thursday, September 13, 2018

4 years

4 years of soberness. Lol. I am living what I once thought was impossible. I am waking up with a full day ahead and not using one mind or mood altering substance. That alone is incredible to an "ole meth head" like me. I am able to have weak moments or bad days as long as I dont use. One day at a time. I have found my peoples whom I can call no matter the time and they answer, they care, they help me, and call me out on my bullshit.
4 years of fixing, figuring, working, and believing. Fixing that stinking thinking. Having to get out of my head and my selfish ways. Figuring out how to live this new way of life. Remembering recovery is NOT PERFECTION but ONLY PROGRESS. Reminding myself when my past is brought up that I am not that same broken girl. I once was a mess that is now a message. Constantly working on becoming a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, christian, and etc. I fail daily but I had to learn to stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Learn from them. Believing that I am worthy and my higher power is capable. It is very hard for me to reach my goals and live out my dreams..... not because they are hard, but because I feel like I like I am not deserving of good things. Crazy, huh? I know what I have done and who I once was. The one thing I succeeded in was failure and getting high. Looking at where I am today in my life scares me. I think to myself, "Ok Mary Beth when are you going to screw this up?" I have to stop and remind myself to rely on God. Believing I am worthy.
4 years later and here I am as the Executive Director of HER Recovery. A sober living facility for women who have suffered from Substance Abuse. My heart is full and I have finally figured out what my purpose is. For so long I drifted through my days being miserable and hopeless. Today, I have a fire within me that drives me forward every morning. I lost a lot of friends, but I have gained a family that will never be replaced. I found my voice. I can focus on my blessings and not my regrets. I am me and I like me. Life is not perfect and I am ok with that. Some of my circumstances in life are the same I just learned how to react differently. 4 years of new possibilities. 4 years of my life that I am proud of. 4 years of living my dream. 4 years of true happiness. 4 years of love. 4 years of growing. 4 years of pushing forward. 4 years of being ok with emotions. 4 years that I will celebrate. 4 years of sobriety.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

Just ONE HIT

Just ONE HIT
ONE HIT to the face to wreck your thinking,
ONE HIT to the gut to make you sick,
ONE HIT to the rib cage to take your breath,
ONE HIT to the legs to knock you down,
ONE HIT can take your life,
ONE HIT can leave scars,
ONE HIT to an addict will take our life.
Fight for Recovery!

Friday, January 26, 2018

Family

Family. When we are active in our addiction, our families are the first ones we burn. They are face to face with their child/mother/father/sister/brother who they no longer recognize. They lose sleep trying not to hear the voices about the what ifs.... what if they overdose, what if they go to jail, what if they get into an accident and cause harm to others, what if the dealer harms them, what if children are hurt? We burn them with the lies, and the things we stole. We rob them of their peace, and leave them with fear and heartache.
It took me a long time to realize how severe I burned my family. I went into rehab and came home knowing I had changed my ways, but my family was still trying to heal a wound with no help. I couldn't understand why they carried so much doubt and questioned all that I said/say. It hurt me.... can they not see I have changed? But wait..... how could I be so blind? Who hurt you, who caused you so much pain, and who has mistreated you so badly that you question yourself? Me. The addict. What a mess I have made.
I'm sorry helps, but it doesn't take away the pain. Time heals all wounds, but it doesn't help with the scars. Recovery takes time and a lot of work, and our relationships are the same. There is no quick fix. There is no cure, but there is hope.
4 things to my family that you need to know:
1.) My addiction was not anything you done wrong. It was me.
2.) My addiction did not change my love for my family. I love you.
3.) Nothing you can do can cure my addiction. It's my responsibility.
4.) I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I was sick.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Mom Struggles

From the mom of a boy who is struggling to keep up. I want to be transparent and let others know you aren't the only one struggling to raise them right and present all A's on a report card.
My little boy... he tries. Yes i truly believe he is trying. He goes through his sight words 6 to 8 times a day (over 60 words in his stack), if he hears any other noises (tv, radio, or his brother playing) he loses track of concentration, he wiggles out of his chair, he cant keep his feet on the floor, he crys in the midst of studying, but he tries. He sticks it out and before we know it bedtime has snuck up on us and now he is upset because he didn't get to play. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
As the mother... I cry with every test sent home. (I am crying now writing this post). I feel guilt... not because we don't go over and over and over his homework, but because we do more than go over it. I feel guilty because he is struggling in school and I don't know how to fix it. He brings me his tests and as the tears make there way down my cheeks... I wonder what's going on in his head? You can see the shame as he hands over his game and I take it away. I ask him why he made a bad grade and he says, "I don't know, mom." 
I get frustrated. Sooo frustrated! I try not to, but he knows the words. I know he knows the words. He reads them to me.
I feel sorry for him, because the way it's looking he will no longer be in the same grade as his friends. What am I doing wrong??? How can I make things better? Why is he struggling in class? I pray that tomorrow will be better.
The truths of a mom whose son is struggling to keep up.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

What do you see?

When you look at me,
What do you see?
Maybe, I am scared to know.
Maybe, I don't want you to see.

Do you see my past?
Do you see my victories?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see me healing?
Do you see the pieces that are still missing?
Do you see I found my way?
What do you see?
Do you see my fear?
Do you see my dedication?
Do you see the battle going on inside my head?
Do you see me trying to ignore what I hear?
What is it that you see?
Do you see that some things still hurt?
Do you see I am growing?
Do you see my weaknesses?
Do you see my strength?
Do you see I have good days?
Do you see I have bad days?
What do you see?
Do you see bad choices?
Do you see I had no control?
What is it that you see?
Do you see a reflection?
Do you see deeper?
What do you see, when you look in that mirror?
What is it that you see?

Love,
Mary Beth

Monday, April 24, 2017

The eyes of a Child

I took on a challenge. As I sat my 4 year old son up on the bathroom counter, I begin to wash his face. As I look at him, I see a baby face that is beginning to slim up. I see freckles that are shyly appearing on his cheeks and nose. I take in the structure of his little face. His eyes show wander, interest of what things are, and why we have them. He is looking at me and anyone that knows my Bryson knows he is constantly talking and explaining his stories of his crystals, jewels, and fighting the monsters away. This time he was quite. Scared to hear what my 4 year old would say or see. I asked him, "what do you see when you look at me?" He replied, "blue and pretty."
As a mom I struggle with my body image. I struggle with patience. I am no better or worse than any other mom raising two little boys. I struggle with disciplining them, and many times I feel guilty when I do.
A child can be brutally honest at times, but they are so pure. To hear him say those things made my heart melt. He wasnt worried about how it would make me feel. I looked in the mirror and prayed for the vision of a child, to have the eyes of a child is what God has blessed them with. Something I wanted to share.
Love,
A mom
(Blue and Pretty)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Living or Surviving

I was in my car driving while my boys sat in the back seat watching the movie "The Croods". As I drove to our destination, I began listening to it. One small line from that movie has made me realize a lot. "This isn't living, this is surviving."
Wow. How are you going through your life right now? Are you living? Or are you just surviving? When I was addicted I was doing nothing but surviving. Trying to fight another day of deep dark depression, fighting the thoughts of suicide, and trying to get through another day. I became a walking dead person with a paralysing emotion of anger, fear, and loneliness. There was no life within me.... I was only trying to survive a slow death.
Recovery is what has taught me how to live. Living and learning my personal lessons, even through the sad times and the hard times, but now I have more good times than I ever thought was imaginable. Recovery surely isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now knowing the life I can now live is forever worth every hardship. Going to treatment was scarey. I was leaving behind all that I knew and my babies that I love, and entering into a place with nothing to ease my pain or numb my emotions. Treatment taught me a huge lesson..."Living is what we have to relearn, but with more tools in our toolbox." Sometimes we feel like everything is against us, but when we fight for what we love we come out stronger and better. I no longer go through my days just trying to survive a harsh world. I live like I have a purpose, a Godly purpose. Surviving can be so difficult when you are surrounded by darkness in your head and heart. Living in a spiritual life has become refreshing and rewarding. Live your life.