Now What???

I am being asked questions here lately about how should a person get sober? Church, rehab, on your own, and etc. How does a person stay sober? The only way I know how to explain this is, "Everyone who started using drugs, used drugs for different reasons. Recovery is the same way. Some might get more hope from church groups, some might get more help out of NA meetings. There are a lot of different options, you just have to research and TRY THEM ALL." I go to my church groups and attend NA.
I realize there are a lot of ways to get clean, but many struggle with the "Now what?" Now that I'm sober, I have completely cut all ties with the 'old friends', and Im left here in my home with no ride, no money, and in complete isolation. Which in case you don't know, isolation is the main, huge, red flag of a relapse. So, "Now what?"

Now that I have disappointed my family, lost trust of my whole community, not allowed to be alone with my own children, have no friends, no car to get around, and no money to do retail therapy. I am this lonely broken soul who is faced with my vulnerabilities, without any encouraging words, only those "you knew better". Being surrounded by those who don't understand our struggles, can be discouraging at times. Even though we know we don't cope with life's obstacles the same way as others, we are learning. It's always reassuring when we are around other recovering addicts, it gives us the hope of possibilities. It's nice to hear that they understand us, and shows/tells us ways to get over our struggles. 

No one should tell you all you need is N.A. No one should tell all you need is church. When I was first in my recovery I had a lot of anger towards God. Going to church and hearing all the good he does was not what I had in mind. I went to Narcotics Anonymous, working the steps is what got me to start working on my relationship with my God. Now I go to my church meetings that is full of people just like me. People who made mistakes, but work on bettering themselves and their relationship with God. This support group "Redeemed Ministries" are my family. I can call on them and they answer with an open ear, and if needed a shoulder to cry on. They don't judge me for my past, they don't judge me for my daily struggles. They accept me with open arms and encouraging words. I love them all.

Narcotics Anonymous is a group of recovering addicts who talk and study the Twelve Steps. This group brings awareness to a lot of different things. Recently, I learned how to become aware of my thinking. Realizing my ways that got me started in my downward spiral. 

So finding a support group is critical. Cutting ties with all of those who still use is esp. important. So if you don't know what will help you, then I will say, "Try it all. Any support is better than none at all. Just stay away from the drugs, or else you will have to start all that hard work back over again. That is if you make it." I know that sounds harsh, but I'm just being real with you.
Wednesday nights there is a Support Group at Easley Baptist church at 6:00. Everyone and anyone is invited.

Love,

Mary Beth

Powerlessness (1st step)

As a recovering addict, many probably think that I realized early on that I was powerless over my addiction. Many addicts use drugs to gain that power. The power to work harder, concentrate better, or the power to face another day. It took some time for me to see that the drug I used, actually  made me lose what meant the most to me. I lost the power to be myself, I lost my parents, I lost my kids, and I lost everyone's trust. I can remember some of my friends/family members say, "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me? You know I would have done something to help." Truth is... I was no longer in control. I was powerlessness. I didn't want/need your help. I was a monster in my own head who was in denial. I didn't quiet understand the severity of my using-abusing. I couldn't admit my problems when I couldn't see them myself. It wasn't until I was beaten by my addiction, that I became willing to admit I had a problem. I get it now. I WAS POWERLESSNESS OVER MY ADDICTION. It controlled not only me physically, mentally, but spiritually. I could no longer manage my life. I was on a roller coaster that was headed straight to hell.
Being in recovery, we slowly gain our power back that the drug stripped us of. We can control our minds, get our kids back, get our strength built back up, get our hearts right, and all that we can do is say, "I'm sorry." I have lost friendships because I lied, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness for the monster I once was and had NO CONTROL OVER. I was someone that I no longer am.
I know how it feels to experience a powerlessness thats like a slow suicide.
Love,
Mary Beth

Step UP

I can remember being taught when I was a little one, to stand up for what I believed in. As I grew older, my life begin to take off or some would say fall apart. I didn't know how to deal with obstacles in my life or traumatic experinces. I was always taught to keep going, but I was different because it seemed as though I just sank. When I was lonely-I was all alone. When I was sad- I was all alone. When I needed help- I was all alone. As I look back, I know I pushed my loved ones away, I know I backed down as though I was a helpless child in corner, I know I was a mess, I know I wouldnt listen to anyone, but that's because no one could understand my pain- addiction. So I thought.
Entering into rehab was NOT my first step, because I went unwillingly. My first step towards recovery was STEPPING UP and admitting to myself and others that yes I am indeed an addict. I can remember STEPPING UP and admitting my wrongs, dealing with my weaknesses, and facing my fears. STEPPING UP and apologizing for the hurt I caused my family. STEPPING UP and admitting, "I'm scared!" STEPPING UP  and sharing my story, not hiding my past to make myself look good, but to show my brothers and sisters in addiction or recovery that it is possible. We shouldn't be ashamed of the obstacles we have overcome to get to where we are in life today, and that is sober with the ability to help others. With September being Recovery Month, lets all STEP UP- share your story (speak out), lend a hand, rid of your shame, and be proud of the battle we have fought... we have learned, changed, and able to love ourselves. So STEP UP AND BE PROUD OF YOUR RECOVERY!!! WE DESERVE IT!!!
Being in the Human Services Program at Wallace State Community College, we are Stepping Up for those who need help. We encourage everyone to STEP UP.

The struggles of Living up to your expectations

It's so hard in rehab- having to face every fear you had/have, looking back at all the damage we done, face every sorrow we tucked away, to relive every heartache/lost we had, and the anger we struggle with ourselves because of our very own choices.

I never expect to hear someone say,"Oh, I understand why she turned to drugs", because no one should ever turn to drugs thinking it's an easy way out or a helping hand. So, what do I expect from others? I try so many times to answer this question, but I realize that has been one of my big problems my whole life.

I expected people to see that I was struggling with the kids, but yet I would play a role and put on a show like I could do it all. I expected people to understand my heartaches, but yet I smiled my way through them. I expected a lot, but without asking. I was let down a lot and it was all my fault.

I was at a family gathering, and my substance abuse was brought up. We were talking about addictions, and I made the statement that cigarettes were an addiction, and I was given a reaction of "NO!!! Cigarettes are a habit."

I know I have to live with people looking down on me, because of my mistakes I have made. I know not everyone understands the rejection of an addict besides another addict. A aunt told me that she use to hold me up on a pedestal, but look what I had done to that. I have to remind myself often that they didn't really know me before, they saw my painted on smile; but they didn't know the real me or else they would be celebrating with me that I'm not that miserable wife, or the sad and lonely mother that I was hiding. I expected support from everyone, I expected everyone to understand the pain I was numbing.

I expected my family to celebrate with me when I said "NO"to temptation. I expect too much from people. So instead of me expecting people to understand my rejection, my heartaches, my loneliness, and my shame. I can only pray to God.

It would be so nice for people to understand that addicts are still humans... And that we come out of rehab, sober but full of fear- more than the norm. Most people fear rejection, regrets, deaths, and the unknown.

Think about this for a minute, we not only carry the fears like others, but we also carry the fears of our past.

I fear I will lose even more family members who reject me after finding out I am an addict. I fear that I might miss that cry out for help from another addict. I fear I will carry my shame and resentments with me everyday of my life. I fear I will never be good enough now that I've been broken. I fear that I will never gain back others trust. I fear that I am my family's embarrassment. Most of all, I fear a relapse, because it will not only kill me but I will forever lose everything I have fought so hard to get back. I fear the unknown, not knowing what I might face tomorrow. For example: It's like my son is scared of the dark. He don't want to go into any room that is dark because he don't know what he might face- like a zombie/monster. As long as someone is there with him, holding his hand, and letting him know it's ok he is not alone. Even though we are grown, when we can't see what's ahead because the of the fog and the demolition we had made out of our lives. We need support, we need someone there to hold our hand, to reassure us it's gonna be ok, and give each other that hope, that light that we lost, and are searching so hard for.

Addicts walk around full of fear, even I do. I have learned I have to depend on God. I'm not fighting this battle alone. He is with me. He never left me, even when I thought he did. He is the one I have to thank everyday for giving me the courage to speak out even when I am ashamed. To help others even though I suffer from heartaches.

I don't expect everyone to understand me, because I am still learning who I am. I have made bad decisions, and it was no ones fault but my own. I can't expect everyone to forgive me just because God has. I don't expect everyone to accept me just because my husband does.

I just hope that someone out there can read my story and understand we are all humans. Everyone messes up, sometimes we swing and miss, and sometimes we stumble and fall.

I know I have to forgive myself, whether others decide to or not. I'm not that same girl, nor am I the "old" Mary Beth. The old Mary Beth led me down the road to destruction.

To my fellow addicts: don't let fear run your life, ask for help, and don't let shame put you back. Not only do we have each other, but we have God waiting on you to ask/help guide you.

I was a slave to my sins (addiction), but God has forgiven me, and I am now set free. I AM REDEEMED!!!!

Without

Without happiness comes sadness,

Without courage comes discourage,

Without honesty comes dishonest,

Without trust comes lies,

Without beauty comes the beast,

Without faith comes fear,

Without light comes darkness,

Without acceptance comes rejection, 

Without love comes madness,

Without free will comes addiction.

Addiction makes you into a dishonest beast that lies about their own sadness, madness, or the feeling of rejection. An addict gets discouraged of our fear of that darkness.

A recovering addict can see that light and begins to love the beauty of happiness. We have courage to help another addict, and trust in each other's honesty. For the first time we feel accepted. To have faith and free will makes us feel human again.

 just for today

Reasoning for blog & a lil About Me

I am a 29 year old woman, mother of two boys, a sister to two older siblings, and married to my high school sweetheart. I have decided to blog about my journey of recovery from addiction. Some addicts say it's a part of their life that they are not proud of and would much rather lock it up in a closet. Me, on the other hand, am willing to speak about those days because if it wasn't for those skeletons I would not be the person I am today.... Sober and back in school. As my favorite talk host (Steve Harvey) has said,"My failures have gotten me closer to my goals." I realize not only my disappointments but my families disappointments has opened my eyes to the mother, wife, sister, and daughter I want/need to be. Obviously I've never been perfect, nor am I ever going to be. I am willing to share my imperfections with others and just maybe someone could learn from my mistakes or better yet help me embrace my own.