Is that My Voice?

Is that My Voice?

I never knew how uneducated I was about the devil's works and goals. I never realized the voice in my head that belittled me, convinced me, and preached the negative of myself was the work of him. I mean it was my voice or at least it sounded like me. All along, I thought I was talking to myself. I have always joked with friends and family about how it's ok if you talk to yourself, but it's bad when you start to answer yourself. Lol. Well, I wished I would have listened to my own jokes. I can remember all these bad thoughts would flood my head- No one really cares about you, you think God is going to help you now that you're on drugs, you think your husband loves you- he cant even stand to be home with you, no one wants to help you, no one cares about your troubles much less your struggles, you tried God and look where you stand- alone, broken, and a used soul that can't be repaired. I begin to believe these lies.

How could I even begin to turn my life around? Happiness was something I could no longer piece in my life, self-respect disappeared, Faith disintegrated, my spirit was broken, and worst of all I sold my soul to the devil. I wanted more than anything to begin again, but that was something I wasn't equipped to do. All I knew to do was run, and when I say run I mean numb, my issues. I was trying to lie my way out of being my family's disappointment. There were many problems I was trying to run and hide from starting with my marriage problems, my family issues, and being so weak that I turned to drugs.

When I thought about quitting, I thought quitting the drug itself was going to be the hardest part, but the truth is that was the easiest part of it all. The hardest part is staying away from it, changing your entire life, from the way you handle life, people who were in your life, the friends you have to let go of, the places that hold your painful past, speaking the truth of all the lies I told, expressing feelings that I am not comfortable with; then you have to go about asking for forgiveness, forgiving yourself, forgiving others, let go of your shame, but most of all live your life for/through Jesus Christ. PRAY TO HIM ABOUT EVERYTHING.

I am positive I have heard that advice many times, but failed to follow threw with it.

When I was using, it didn't help me like I thought, my darkness became my darkest and deepest depression that I ever could imagine. I didn't thank God much, because I couldn't see my blessings through my pain and loneliness. Selfish. I know this, but isn't that how the devil works? He would use the expression: 'Well no one is perfect everyone sins." So, if I do this sin and still go to church on Sunday, isn't that still praising the good Lord?"

I have wasted more time trying to justify my reasons of using, rather than doing what I really wanted deep down. I wanted to be right with God, but I failed. I wanted blessings, but I couldn't get ahold of my sin. I wanted to let go of my resentment and fears, but I couldn't rid the devil. Rehab was a must for me, that's where I could finally get in touch with God, without giving in to the devil. That's where me and my father reunited.

Change is not easy. No matter what anyone says. IT IS HARD!!!! AND WELL WORTH THE HARDSHIP AND STRUGGLE!!! Many people don't understand or maybe I should say they underestimate the relationship us recovering addicts have with God (HOLY ROLLERS). Call us what you want, but when you have walked through a valley, with a shadow of death you realize we owe everything in us to God. The things he had gotten us through, and we are able to see the miracles that he worked/works in us and for us. I will roll with God from here on out.

It is hard to keep up with this world, it's hard to be married, it's hard to be a parent, it's hard to find a good job, it's hard trying to fix a failing relationship, it's hard when you are alone with no support, it's hard when our loved one's left us, abused us, mistreated us, or used us, and etc. Life is hard even when God is on our side and in our heart. Don't think once you get sober it's all downhill from there, because we fight a battle everyday of our life- everyone does.

So, why is it so important to be obedient to Jesus Christ? Because when you finally surrender and let him take over the beauty that comes back into your life is: a purpose for living, happiness, care, joy, proudness, hope, and not only a better future but a  brighter one, peace, and a life you are ready to live to your fullest.

I once told a friend of mine, when I was using I wasn't afraid to die, but now being sober I'm still not scared, but I have so much in my life to fight for. I have so many blessings. I actually wake up in the mornings, ready to live, ready to discover, ready to learn, and ready for my new journey of fulfilled happiness.

Don't let that little voice fool you, he did me. Instead talk to God. I promise he is waiting on you to ask for him to come into your life. God bless you all!!!!

Redeemed Ministries based in Cleveland, AL.

They are opening a "Transition House" to house men coming out of rehab, and help transition them back into life.

Women's house coming soon.



The struggles of Living up to your expectations

It's so hard in rehab- having to face every fear you had/have, looking back at all the damage we done, face every sorrow we tucked away, to relive every heartache/lost we had, and the anger we struggle with ourselves because of our very own choices.

I never expect to hear someone say,"Oh, I understand why she turned to drugs", because no one should ever turn to drugs thinking it's an easy way out or a helping hand. So, what do I expect from others? I try so many times to answer this question, but I realize that has been one of my big problems my whole life.

I expected people to see that I was struggling with the kids, but yet I would play a role and put on a show like I could do it all. I expected people to understand my heartaches, but yet I smiled my way through them. I expected a lot, but without asking. I was let down a lot and it was all my fault.

I was at a family gathering, and my substance abuse was brought up. We were talking about addictions, and I made the statement that cigarettes were an addiction, and I was given a reaction of "NO!!! Cigarettes are a habit."

I know I have to live with people looking down on me, because of my mistakes I have made. I know not everyone understands the rejection of an addict besides another addict. A aunt told me that she use to hold me up on a pedestal, but look what I had done to that. I have to remind myself often that they didn't really know me before, they saw my painted on smile; but they didn't know the real me or else they would be celebrating with me that I'm not that miserable wife, or the sad and lonely mother that I was hiding. I expected support from everyone, I expected everyone to understand the pain I was numbing.

I expected my family to celebrate with me when I said "NO"to temptation. I expect too much from people. So instead of me expecting people to understand my rejection, my heartaches, my loneliness, and my shame. I can only pray to God.

It would be so nice for people to understand that addicts are still humans... And that we come out of rehab, sober but full of fear- more than the norm. Most people fear rejection, regrets, deaths, and the unknown.

Think about this for a minute, we not only carry the fears like others, but we also carry the fears of our past.

I fear I will lose even more family members who reject me after finding out I am an addict. I fear that I might miss that cry out for help from another addict. I fear I will carry my shame and resentments with me everyday of my life. I fear I will never be good enough now that I've been broken. I fear that I will never gain back others trust. I fear that I am my family's embarrassment. Most of all, I fear a relapse, because it will not only kill me but I will forever lose everything I have fought so hard to get back. I fear the unknown, not knowing what I might face tomorrow. For example: It's like my son is scared of the dark. He don't want to go into any room that is dark because he don't know what he might face- like a zombie/monster. As long as someone is there with him, holding his hand, and letting him know it's ok he is not alone. Even though we are grown, when we can't see what's ahead because the of the fog and the demolition we had made out of our lives. We need support, we need someone there to hold our hand, to reassure us it's gonna be ok, and give each other that hope, that light that we lost, and are searching so hard for.

Addicts walk around full of fear, even I do. I have learned I have to depend on God. I'm not fighting this battle alone. He is with me. He never left me, even when I thought he did. He is the one I have to thank everyday for giving me the courage to speak out even when I am ashamed. To help others even though I suffer from heartaches.

I don't expect everyone to understand me, because I am still learning who I am. I have made bad decisions, and it was no ones fault but my own. I can't expect everyone to forgive me just because God has. I don't expect everyone to accept me just because my husband does.

I just hope that someone out there can read my story and understand we are all humans. Everyone messes up, sometimes we swing and miss, and sometimes we stumble and fall.

I know I have to forgive myself, whether others decide to or not. I'm not that same girl, nor am I the "old" Mary Beth. The old Mary Beth led me down the road to destruction.

To my fellow addicts: don't let fear run your life, ask for help, and don't let shame put you back. Not only do we have each other, but we have God waiting on you to ask/help guide you.

I was a slave to my sins (addiction), but God has forgiven me, and I am now set free. I AM REDEEMED!!!!