Today is....

As I sit at the table I think back to the days I didnt know happiness. I was running from fear, anxiety, depression, and slowly killing myself. I ran rapid chasing a high and feeling incomplete.
Rewind several years later and I was entering into rehab. I lost my children and on the verge of losing my husband. I was so bitter and full rage. I was tired. Tired of living, to tell you the truth.
I get kicked out of rehab and I was scared of society. I was scared of everyone, everything, and myself. I knew I was capable of failing at life once again. Everyone watched me and wasnt sure how to approach me. I felt like I didnt know how to live anymore. That is where I struggled the most. Not knowing how to survive outside of a bubble that others call treatment.
I go back to college with a drive to help other women like me. College wasn't easy, but I strived to excel in every class. I thought outside the box in every class including art, literature, psychology.... any free range  I directed my essays and art back to addiction and recovery. My mentors believed in my dream (sober living) when I thought it was impossible to reach.
One year later, we open HER Recovery a sober living facility to help women transition into society with the tools of living life in recovery. Starting with 6 women that quickly moved up to 8 women. Hearing the crys out for help but not having the room to help others was something new for me. It was difficult.
So here we are today, sitting here and rewinding through the past four years of my life wondering how it happened so fast. Wondering what it was that a group of people saw in me that I had not seen in myself. Thinking of how the funds fell into the lap of an ex meth addict still seems bizarre. One higher power and that is my God.
We signed the papers on our second house today. We will house 18 more women. We will have the availability to help others who are struggling, who need a hand to hold, who need encouragement, who need to be in a safe environment with others that let them know they arent alone.
Im not a special addict in recovery, I am God's daughter who is just following my purpose and calling. It doesnt make me better than the newcomer. It allows me to help a sister. Help them into society and not feel like an outcast. Love them through it. Hold their hand and walk beside them. Allowing them to lean on me while we work through struggles. I have the chance to witness them turn their life around and be who they are meant to be.
I thank God, my family, my crew, and my sisters.
Today is my today. Today is another chance.

Love
The ex meth addict

4 years

4 years of soberness. Lol. I am living what I once thought was impossible. I am waking up with a full day ahead and not using one mind or mood altering substance. That alone is incredible to an "ole meth head" like me. I am able to have weak moments or bad days as long as I dont use. One day at a time. I have found my peoples whom I can call no matter the time and they answer, they care, they help me, and call me out on my bullshit.
4 years of fixing, figuring, working, and believing. Fixing that stinking thinking. Having to get out of my head and my selfish ways. Figuring out how to live this new way of life. Remembering recovery is NOT PERFECTION but ONLY PROGRESS. Reminding myself when my past is brought up that I am not that same broken girl. I once was a mess that is now a message. Constantly working on becoming a better wife, mother, daughter, sister, christian, and etc. I fail daily but I had to learn to stop beating myself up over my mistakes. Learn from them. Believing that I am worthy and my higher power is capable. It is very hard for me to reach my goals and live out my dreams..... not because they are hard, but because I feel like I like I am not deserving of good things. Crazy, huh? I know what I have done and who I once was. The one thing I succeeded in was failure and getting high. Looking at where I am today in my life scares me. I think to myself, "Ok Mary Beth when are you going to screw this up?" I have to stop and remind myself to rely on God. Believing I am worthy.
4 years later and here I am as the Executive Director of HER Recovery. A sober living facility for women who have suffered from Substance Abuse. My heart is full and I have finally figured out what my purpose is. For so long I drifted through my days being miserable and hopeless. Today, I have a fire within me that drives me forward every morning. I lost a lot of friends, but I have gained a family that will never be replaced. I found my voice. I can focus on my blessings and not my regrets. I am me and I like me. Life is not perfect and I am ok with that. Some of my circumstances in life are the same I just learned how to react differently. 4 years of new possibilities. 4 years of my life that I am proud of. 4 years of living my dream. 4 years of true happiness. 4 years of love. 4 years of growing. 4 years of pushing forward. 4 years of being ok with emotions. 4 years that I will celebrate. 4 years of sobriety.

Just ONE HIT

Just ONE HIT
ONE HIT to the face to wreck your thinking,
ONE HIT to the gut to make you sick,
ONE HIT to the rib cage to take your breath,
ONE HIT to the legs to knock you down,
ONE HIT can take your life,
ONE HIT can leave scars,
ONE HIT to an addict will take our life.
Fight for Recovery!

Family

Family. When we are active in our addiction, our families are the first ones we burn. They are face to face with their child/mother/father/sister/brother who they no longer recognize. They lose sleep trying not to hear the voices about the what ifs.... what if they overdose, what if they go to jail, what if they get into an accident and cause harm to others, what if the dealer harms them, what if children are hurt? We burn them with the lies, and the things we stole. We rob them of their peace, and leave them with fear and heartache.
It took me a long time to realize how severe I burned my family. I went into rehab and came home knowing I had changed my ways, but my family was still trying to heal a wound with no help. I couldn't understand why they carried so much doubt and questioned all that I said/say. It hurt me.... can they not see I have changed? But wait..... how could I be so blind? Who hurt you, who caused you so much pain, and who has mistreated you so badly that you question yourself? Me. The addict. What a mess I have made.
I'm sorry helps, but it doesn't take away the pain. Time heals all wounds, but it doesn't help with the scars. Recovery takes time and a lot of work, and our relationships are the same. There is no quick fix. There is no cure, but there is hope.
4 things to my family that you need to know:
1.) My addiction was not anything you done wrong. It was me.
2.) My addiction did not change my love for my family. I love you.
3.) Nothing you can do can cure my addiction. It's my responsibility.
4.) I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I was sick.

Mom Struggles

From the mom of a boy who is struggling to keep up. I want to be transparent and let others know you aren't the only one struggling to raise them right and present all A's on a report card.

My little boy... he tries. Yes i truly believe he is trying. He goes through his sight words 6 to 8 times a day (over 60 words in his stack), if he hears any other noises (tv, radio, or his brother playing) he loses track of concentration, he wiggles out of his chair, he cant keep his feet on the floor, he crys in the midst of studying, but he tries. He sticks it out and before we know it bedtime has snuck up on us and now he is upset because he didn't get to play. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

As the mother... I cry with every test sent home. (I am crying now writing this post). I feel guilt... not because we don't go over and over and over his homework, but because we do more than go over it. I feel guilty because he is struggling in school and I don't know how to fix it. He brings me his tests and as the tears make there way down my cheeks... I wonder what's going on in his head? You can see the shame as he hands over his game and I take it away. I ask him why he made a bad grade and he says, "I don't know, mom." 
I get frustrated. Sooo frustrated! I try not to, but he knows the words. I know he knows the words. He reads them to me.
I feel sorry for him, because the way it's looking he will no longer be in the same grade as his friends. What am I doing wrong??? How can I make things better? Why is he struggling in class? I pray that tomorrow will be better.

The truths of a mom whose son is struggling to keep up.

What do you see?

When you look at me,
What do you see?
Maybe, I am scared to know.
Maybe, I don't want you to see.

Do you see my past?
Do you see my victories?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see me healing?
Do you see the pieces that are still missing?
Do you see I found my way?
What do you see?
Do you see my fear?
Do you see my dedication?
Do you see the battle going on inside my head?
Do you see me trying to ignore what I hear?
What is it that you see?
Do you see that some things still hurt?
Do you see I am growing?
Do you see my weaknesses?
Do you see my strength?
Do you see I have good days?
Do you see I have bad days?
What do you see?
Do you see bad choices?
Do you see I had no control?
What is it that you see?
Do you see a reflection?
Do you see deeper?
What do you see, when you look in that mirror?
What is it that you see?

Love,
Mary Beth

The eyes of a Child

I took on a challenge. As I sat my 4 year old son up on the bathroom counter, I begin to wash his face. As I look at him, I see a baby face that is beginning to slim up. I see freckles that are shyly appearing on his cheeks and nose. I take in the structure of his little face. His eyes show wander, interest of what things are, and why we have them. He is looking at me and anyone that knows my Bryson knows he is constantly talking and explaining his stories of his crystals, jewels, and fighting the monsters away. This time he was quite. Scared to hear what my 4 year old would say or see. I asked him, "what do you see when you look at me?" He replied, "blue and pretty."
As a mom I struggle with my body image. I struggle with patience. I am no better or worse than any other mom raising two little boys. I struggle with disciplining them, and many times I feel guilty when I do.
A child can be brutally honest at times, but they are so pure. To hear him say those things made my heart melt. He wasnt worried about how it would make me feel. I looked in the mirror and prayed for the vision of a child, to have the eyes of a child is what God has blessed them with. Something I wanted to share.
Love,
A mom
(Blue and Pretty)