Thursday, July 21, 2016

Sister


Not many know this, so here we go. I have always wanted a sister that I was unseperable with. I wanted that sister who would know when to call or know something was up/wrong. I wanted that bond that many have with their sisters. My twinkie. Truth is me and my sister could not be more opposite than we are. Even with our differences I just realized how wrong I have been and I have that sister.
Let me tell you some things about us more about her.
She was the first person to write me in rehab.
She sent me make-up, when she dont even wear it.
Other than my husband and parents, she was the only other person I talked to in rehab.
She can give me a reality check knowing it will piss me off and give me my space until I realize what is going on.
She asks me questions out of the blue about my recovery, how I am, and why I did certain things when I was active in my addiction.
She encourages me in my lowest points and she does not even realize how bad of a day I have had.
She pushes me to get fit.
She is my personal trainer- free of charge.
She takes my clothes when my closet is overflowing.
She cheers me on when I feel like giving up.
We have memories that no one understands.
She is my best friend and I never thanked her for the times she was heartbroken over my actions, but still never gave up. She does more for me than anyone knows. Mandy, thank you. I love you.
Many times we think relationships should only be fun and sweet, but truth is our relationships grow when we experience hurt and heartaches. We see each others struggles and mend those broken moments. If it is not perfect, it means it is growing.
Love, Mary Beth

Sunday, July 17, 2016

True facts about me

Our society is harsh. Now that social media is a part of our everyday lives the pressure is overwhelming. We are competitive with that person on Facebook who seems to be perfect and has the perfect family. The person on Instagram who is always on cloud nine. The person on Snapchat who has a magical and booming life. The person on Twitter who.... well I don't know because I don't tweet.
Can I be honest? And let's be truthful. They are fake, you are fake, and I am fake. No one has a perfect life, but the pressure is to put on like you do.
As a woman, a person in recovery, I want to be true. True to who I am and who God has made me. Sooo here we go with my uglies.
I am an addict.
I have bad days.
I get my feelings hurt.
My kids are not perfect, and sometimes they get on my nerves.
I have issues with my self image. BAD!
I double think way too much.
I smoke.
I cuss.
I get jealous.
I miss my husband everyday of the week.
I get lonely.
I feel crazy sometimes.
I need to pray more.
I need to make more time for my friends.
I usually miss church, because it seems easier to deal with my children.
I cannot stand the fact that people are really two-faced.
My depression sometimes gets the best of me.
I dont like swimsuit pictures of myself.
I get ashamed of my past.
It is hard to tell my kids no.
I want to sleep A LOT, but only during the day.  At night I can't go to sleep.
I dont excercise enough.
I drink too much sugar.
I get mad.
I play Pokemon Go.
I stay on my phone way too much.
I don't like to clean.
I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work.
I let my kids play with electronics.
I want my hair long when it is short.
I shop too much.
I am scared of what people say about me.
I am not perfect and that is the truth. I have to remind myself that the person's profile on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat isn't neither. I make mistakes everyday. We have to remember what is real and what isn't. What's real is my love for God and my family. I have to take it one day at a time too. I am one mess up from being screwed up. Just keeping it real tonight.
Love,
Mary Beth

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

No Man is an Island

No man is an island. For many years of my life, I felt alone. I felt as though no one could undertand my pain. I tried to deny my struggles as often as I could, because I felt like I was failing as a mom and as a woman if I showed or admitted my weaknesses. Pride can tear you apart if you are not careful.
If we are not honest with ourselves and others about our struggles they begin to become overwhelming. It is like a shadow- it starts out small, but the longer you stand there the bigger it gets. The shadow even moves touching different aspects of our life, until eventually there is no light at all- consumed by darkness, fear, and the need for a glimmer of light. Being open about our struggles we begin to figure out... we are not alone. We begin to see that there are others who struggle with this exact thing. Don't confuse this as a coincidence, because this is God's work.
I had a friend pass away at a young age, and not too long ago I saw her mother and we began to talk. She now works in a funeral home. I thought to myself, "How? And why?" As she begin to tell me how much it means to her to help those who lost their loved ones and she can relate to their pain. "Wow!" She is God's work. She can support those who are experiencing a moment of loneliness. She can hold their hand and shine a glimmer of light on how life can still be possible. No man is an island.
Support is what we give and recieve, but we have to be open and honest. Remember no man is an island God is with us and sends people into our lives for something that we need or need to give.
Love,
Mary Beth

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Four Words

FOUR WORDS can effect someone's life. Just FOUR WORDS. When we are mad or heart broken over something someone did, I feel like we have no problem telling them, "I am disappointed in you." Some might not care and others might say they don't care, but if we are going to be honest those words can hurt like HELL. We (including myself) need to be aware of things we say.
When we are wrong and know that we did something wrong, it takes courage to admit it. I'm not saying just because they admit their wrongs you should be proud. I am saying, "Be careful with your words. Think about how you come off to that person and pray before you might regret your words." Shaming someone can set them back quickly.
So why is it so hard to show someone appreciation on their outcome in life? Recovery is hard and I honestly believe everyone deserves a pat on the back who fights a battle. Those people deserve FOUR WORDS that maybe different from what they are use to hearing, "I'm PROUD of you!!" FOUR WORDS that can help someone who might be struggling. FOUR WORDS that lets them know they are on the right path. FOUR WORDS that can keep someone in recovery. Just FOUR WORDS.
I won't ever forget those "disappointments" I caused myself. With every "proud of you" keeps my mind strong, keeps me going when sometimes I feel like stopping, and gives me joy when  that use to be shame and resentment. So I feel like we need to share these FOUR WORDS with those in recovery. Whether they are a day clean to 20 years clean, to your spouse or the complete stranger that is on your facebook friends list. Let someone know you recognize their hard work and a battle that they have faced. Tell a person, "I'm PROUD of you!!" Just FOUR WORDS!!
Love,
Mary Beth


Thursday, January 7, 2016

How?

I was recently asked, "How? How did you get sober? How do you stay sober? How did you return to your normal life? How?"
Being a Certified Peer Support Specialist, going to school to become a counselor, and attending church.... I know what I am suppose to say, but it caught me off guard. For one, my life is far from normal. Second, I don't think I have really slowed down to think about how I stay clean, because I am constantly battling my disease in my own head. Fighting those urges is something I believe I have become accustomed to. Third, I have never had someone be so blunt with their questioning- and of course I love it because it has my mind going.
When I was using I would try so hard to play the normal life, when all that did was kick me further down in addiction. Coming out and admitting I am indeed an addict, has effected my life not just then but for life. Addiction is not something you just get over, it is something you fight for a lifetime. I know some people are highly disagreeing with me right now, but think about it.... you can't just get rid of addiction. That is like saying you would be able to hit it, snort it, slam it, or take it one more time and stop. Let's get real that's impossible and we will fight this battle from here on out. Now I think it comes easier to disreguard a thought and an urge the longer you stay sober, but it doesn't go away. So normal is no longer possible to me, but I have learned to be ok with this. Everytime someone misplaces their medicine, I get questioned. Anytime my eyes are red from lack of sleep I get the looks and questions. I am constantly reminded of my ugly past. I usually just turn to a friend discuss with them my feelings and the aggravation I have, and then leave it alone. I can't fight with them forever. I just wait until they find their medicine and say I told you. And never expect an apology, because they rarely come.
So how do I stay sober? I stay away from people who do drugs and don't care to stop or see no problem in using. It's not that I don't like them, I just can't be around that. There are people out there that I still love and care about so much. Those people meant more to me than just a drug using time. This is something I pray about a lot. My family wants to blame my using on others, when I am fully responsible for my mistakes. I struggle with goodbyes that I still haven't been able to say. Again, I pray a lot about this.
I am being treated for my mental illness. The majority of addicts suffer from an untreated mental illness.... hint: self medicate. I didn't think I was depressed, because I was already on one medication. It also didn't occur to me that maybe my medication wasn't working until I went through detox and a month after taking 2 of the strongest anti-depressants. I can remember I was in Bradford and we were able to go bowling one day. I caught myself smiling and laughing - SOBER!!!! I went to my counselor and said, " omg!!! I SMILED TODAY!!! AND LAUGHED!!!" I dont think I will ever forget that day. The day I finally felt happiness, fun, and joy. Don't be scared to go to the Dr. and don't be embarrassed to tell them what is going on with you. If you don't tell them the truth, you won't get the right diagnoses. That is like going to the Dr. and telling them my knee hurts. They will say it is probably arthritis, but if you tell them my knee pops out of place occasionally they will run more tests and properly diagnose. Many need to understand, "Medication won't fix a broken heart, or a damaged realtionship!!!"
I am involved in a Ministry that helps recovering men transition back into life, and even though there is slim to none programs to help women... I will one day soon change that!!! I attend NA meetings occasionally. I travel over an hour away from my home to volunteer at an organization that is all about recovery. FORMLL and McLemore Consulting in Priceville. Why? Because it is what I have to do to stay sober, stay on the right path, and live the life that will make ME happy.
I attend church as much as I can, because I owe my sobriety to God. There is no way I can leave God out of my sobriety. He has opened so many doors of opportunity. He has given me hope and lit my path when I was lost in a dark valley of the shadow of death. Without God I wouldn't be sober. When I have troubles, worries, trials, and temptation - I rely on God, because I know he has me and HE'S GOT THIS.
How? It's a battle. It is NOT easy. It hurts. BUT IT IS WORTH IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS POSSIBLE. My HOW. May not be your how.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Judging this Book by My Cover

Don't judge a book by it's cover. How I wish the world was like. If I had to categorize my life I would  probably list mine under Mystery. Being a mom predicts my mood and if you have children you will understand. Forget beauty sleep, but was I able to get sleep? Could I get a shower that day? Did I make time to eat or was that one of the many things I left off my to do list? Are my favorite jeans clean or were they in the pile of clothes I am washing for the third time due to forgetting to switch the clothes out from the washer to dryer? Did I put on mascara before I started brushing the boys teeth? I leave my house most mornings not put together from what you see.
My cover may not be put together with a glam squad and all the free time I wish I had, but my story.... my story is about how a teenage girl who thought she had her life figured out, failed. Then lost herself. Married and had two blessings, but failed once again. She was so worried about how other families had it made, she drowned herself in her own pity. She became the beast in her very own story, and happiness was impossible. When that girl fell to the ground-rock bottom, she came back up fighting like a ninja (you can laugh a little). But how? How can you beat yourself and still find strength? It's not how but WHO?  Who was that voice that spoke, "Let me in." "All things are possible only through me." WHO was my trainer? God!!! He has risen me from my own hell- hell, here on earth.
Without my story, I wouldn't be so humble. I would probably still think the world revolved around me. I would be so selfish that I wouldn't be able to enjoy the struggles of being a mom. I wouldn't be able to love ANYONE as much as I do. I would have never experienced true love.
My cover might be a mystery. Pj's one day, rocking the plaid the next day, and those leggings and yoga pants everyone posts on facebook as not clothes.... I even wear those in public; but my story is a fairytale. I am a princess in God's eyes. No matter what I look like, my husband thinks I'm beautiful (at least he tells me this lol). I'm not sure how or when my story will end, but I will live happily ever after with my heavenly father. My kind of story, but it's my story. Just don't judge my book by my cover.
Love,
Mary Beth


Thursday, December 31, 2015

A new year to come

In a year, I have experienced ups and downs, and my life isn't the same. I have experienced so many ups and downs. I have witnessed my sweet Maw Maw lose herself and become someone else due to Dementia. I see my mother come home many times with a broken heart, just trying to grasp on to the sadness of this roller coaster. Walking into the nursing home just praying it's a good day for her and she will still recognize my face.
I lost my Foster dad to the sickness of Depression. I lost a man that loved me for me. The man who helped raise me and called me his own. Saying goodbye when all I wanted to say was see you soon.
I got to experience my 1 year sobriety birthday. It's not been easy, but it is worth it.
I have learned that people still hold onto my past... and I'm screaming inside, "LET HER GO!!!!"
I have learned that I am smarter than what I give myself credit for. A honor roll for little ole me.
I have met some great mentors that I will always be greatful for and so thankful that they are helping me with not only my future career but helping me learn and understand life in sobriety.
I am still learning to be happy in life. There are things that I want different (I'm sure everyone wishes some things were a little different) but I am learning that it's temporary. Still working on patience.
My Diddy worries about me a lot, and I understand it's out of love and caring. I am grateful for him and all that he does for me and my family. I can't tell him enough. But dad, "you don't have to worry so much anymore."
My Wubby (my husband).... you are my rock. I love you so much and grateful for your hardwork, and the daddy you are to our boys. I couldn't deal with life without you. Everytime I get my feelings hurt I turn to you, because you know just what to say, and you know when to let me just be.
My two angels. It hurts my heart to know that I failed at being your mother at one point in your life. So many say they were too young to remember, but my heart will never forget. You two are my sonshines and complete me.
In a year, I have cried a lot, I have lost my temper several times, I have been proud of myself and my family, I have been hurt and had to learn how to express my heartache, I have been lonely, I have been happy, and so grateful for my God. My faith is stronger, but not perfect. I am not perfect, but a perfect mess. I have changed from a false reflection in the mirror, to a true christian who loves her Jesus and family.
A new year sober! A new year to learn so much more. A new year to look up and have a talk with God.
Goodbyes have been hard, so my new year resolution is to MAKE more time for the ones I love so much.
Love,
Mary Beth

HAPPY NEW YEAR