Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Living or Surviving

I was in my car driving while my boys sat in the back seat watching the movie "The Croods". As I drove to our destination, I began listening to it. One small line from that movie has made me realize a lot. "This isn't living, this is surviving."
Wow. How are you going through your life right now? Are you living? Or are you just surviving? When I was addicted I was doing nothing but surviving. Trying to fight another day of deep dark depression, fighting the thoughts of suicide, and trying to get through another day. I became a walking dead person with a paralysing emotion of anger, fear, and loneliness. There was no life within me.... I was only trying to survive a slow death.
Recovery is what has taught me how to live. Living and learning my personal lessons, even through the sad times and the hard times, but now I have more good times than I ever thought was imaginable. Recovery surely isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now knowing the life I can now live is forever worth every hardship. Going to treatment was scarey. I was leaving behind all that I knew and my babies that I love, and entering into a place with nothing to ease my pain or numb my emotions. Treatment taught me a huge lesson..."Living is what we have to relearn, but with more tools in our toolbox." Sometimes we feel like everything is against us, but when we fight for what we love we come out stronger and better. I no longer go through my days just trying to survive a harsh world. I live like I have a purpose, a Godly purpose. Surviving can be so difficult when you are surrounded by darkness in your head and heart. Living in a spiritual life has become refreshing and rewarding. Live your life.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

How would you live?

If you knew the numbered days you have left here on earth, would you live different?
Would you spend more time with your parents? Would you sit down and tell them thank you for working your entire life just to give me the life I was blessed with? Would you hug and tell them you loved them more often?
Would you tell your siblings I love you everyday? Would you share more laughter with them? Would you stop texting and actually call them?
Would you tell your spouse thank you? Thank you for loving me on my worst day. Would you tell them about the lies that were told in your own head that you were all alone, but the actual truth is that they were there by your side the entire time? Would you tell them I am sorry for all those fights I started because it really had nothing to do with you... I was just having a crappy day. Would you explain to them that seeing them laugh brightens my day? Would you love them different? Would you love them more?
Would you parent your children different? Would you personally take your children places and make more memories with them? Would you enjoy their cries more? Would you join in with laughter when they are laughing? Would you be the same parent that you are today?
Would you work on your relationship with God more? Would you tell others about what God has done in your life? Would you be thankful for the days you still have? Would you be a better Christian?
Our days are numbered and I know on most of these questions I (myself) answered yes I would do more to almost every question.... so why wait? Why do we wait until the end to give our best? Life begins to mean something precious to us all when it is close to the end. Lets change this. Make everyday precious and live it to the fullest. Why don't we show more appreciation through out our lives? Change is hard, but change for the good.
How would you live? Live like our days are numbered.

Thursday, July 21, 2016


Not many know this, so here we go. I have always wanted a sister that I was unseperable with. I wanted that sister who would know when to call or know something was up/wrong. I wanted that bond that many have with their sisters. My twinkie. Truth is me and my sister could not be more opposite than we are. Even with our differences I just realized how wrong I have been and I have that sister.
Let me tell you some things about us more about her.
She was the first person to write me in rehab.
She sent me make-up, when she dont even wear it.
Other than my husband and parents, she was the only other person I talked to in rehab.
She can give me a reality check knowing it will piss me off and give me my space until I realize what is going on.
She asks me questions out of the blue about my recovery, how I am, and why I did certain things when I was active in my addiction.
She encourages me in my lowest points and she does not even realize how bad of a day I have had.
She pushes me to get fit.
She is my personal trainer- free of charge.
She takes my clothes when my closet is overflowing.
She cheers me on when I feel like giving up.
We have memories that no one understands.
She is my best friend and I never thanked her for the times she was heartbroken over my actions, but still never gave up. She does more for me than anyone knows. Mandy, thank you. I love you.
Many times we think relationships should only be fun and sweet, but truth is our relationships grow when we experience hurt and heartaches. We see each others struggles and mend those broken moments. If it is not perfect, it means it is growing.
Love, Mary Beth

Sunday, July 17, 2016

True facts about me

Our society is harsh. Now that social media is a part of our everyday lives the pressure is overwhelming. We are competitive with that person on Facebook who seems to be perfect and has the perfect family. The person on Instagram who is always on cloud nine. The person on Snapchat who has a magical and booming life. The person on Twitter who.... well I don't know because I don't tweet.
Can I be honest? And let's be truthful. They are fake, you are fake, and I am fake. No one has a perfect life, but the pressure is to put on like you do.
As a woman, a person in recovery, I want to be true. True to who I am and who God has made me. Sooo here we go with my uglies.
I am an addict.
I have bad days.
I get my feelings hurt.
My kids are not perfect, and sometimes they get on my nerves.
I have issues with my self image. BAD!
I double think way too much.
I smoke.
I cuss.
I get jealous.
I miss my husband everyday of the week.
I get lonely.
I feel crazy sometimes.
I need to pray more.
I need to make more time for my friends.
I usually miss church, because it seems easier to deal with my children.
I cannot stand the fact that people are really two-faced.
My depression sometimes gets the best of me.
I dont like swimsuit pictures of myself.
I get ashamed of my past.
It is hard to tell my kids no.
I want to sleep A LOT, but only during the day.  At night I can't go to sleep.
I dont excercise enough.
I drink too much sugar.
I get mad.
I play Pokemon Go.
I stay on my phone way too much.
I don't like to clean.
I am a procrastinator when it comes to school work.
I let my kids play with electronics.
I want my hair long when it is short.
I shop too much.
I am scared of what people say about me.
I am not perfect and that is the truth. I have to remind myself that the person's profile on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat isn't neither. I make mistakes everyday. We have to remember what is real and what isn't. What's real is my love for God and my family. I have to take it one day at a time too. I am one mess up from being screwed up. Just keeping it real tonight.
Mary Beth

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

No Man is an Island

No man is an island. For many years of my life, I felt alone. I felt as though no one could undertand my pain. I tried to deny my struggles as often as I could, because I felt like I was failing as a mom and as a woman if I showed or admitted my weaknesses. Pride can tear you apart if you are not careful.
If we are not honest with ourselves and others about our struggles they begin to become overwhelming. It is like a shadow- it starts out small, but the longer you stand there the bigger it gets. The shadow even moves touching different aspects of our life, until eventually there is no light at all- consumed by darkness, fear, and the need for a glimmer of light. Being open about our struggles we begin to figure out... we are not alone. We begin to see that there are others who struggle with this exact thing. Don't confuse this as a coincidence, because this is God's work.
I had a friend pass away at a young age, and not too long ago I saw her mother and we began to talk. She now works in a funeral home. I thought to myself, "How? And why?" As she begin to tell me how much it means to her to help those who lost their loved ones and she can relate to their pain. "Wow!" She is God's work. She can support those who are experiencing a moment of loneliness. She can hold their hand and shine a glimmer of light on how life can still be possible. No man is an island.
Support is what we give and recieve, but we have to be open and honest. Remember no man is an island God is with us and sends people into our lives for something that we need or need to give.
Mary Beth

Saturday, January 9, 2016

Four Words

FOUR WORDS can effect someone's life. Just FOUR WORDS. When we are mad or heart broken over something someone did, I feel like we have no problem telling them, "I am disappointed in you." Some might not care and others might say they don't care, but if we are going to be honest those words can hurt like HELL. We (including myself) need to be aware of things we say.
When we are wrong and know that we did something wrong, it takes courage to admit it. I'm not saying just because they admit their wrongs you should be proud. I am saying, "Be careful with your words. Think about how you come off to that person and pray before you might regret your words." Shaming someone can set them back quickly.
So why is it so hard to show someone appreciation on their outcome in life? Recovery is hard and I honestly believe everyone deserves a pat on the back who fights a battle. Those people deserve FOUR WORDS that maybe different from what they are use to hearing, "I'm PROUD of you!!" FOUR WORDS that can help someone who might be struggling. FOUR WORDS that lets them know they are on the right path. FOUR WORDS that can keep someone in recovery. Just FOUR WORDS.
I won't ever forget those "disappointments" I caused myself. With every "proud of you" keeps my mind strong, keeps me going when sometimes I feel like stopping, and gives me joy when  that use to be shame and resentment. So I feel like we need to share these FOUR WORDS with those in recovery. Whether they are a day clean to 20 years clean, to your spouse or the complete stranger that is on your facebook friends list. Let someone know you recognize their hard work and a battle that they have faced. Tell a person, "I'm PROUD of you!!" Just FOUR WORDS!!
Mary Beth

Thursday, January 7, 2016


I was recently asked, "How? How did you get sober? How do you stay sober? How did you return to your normal life? How?"
Being a Certified Peer Support Specialist, going to school to become a counselor, and attending church.... I know what I am suppose to say, but it caught me off guard. For one, my life is far from normal. Second, I don't think I have really slowed down to think about how I stay clean, because I am constantly battling my disease in my own head. Fighting those urges is something I believe I have become accustomed to. Third, I have never had someone be so blunt with their questioning- and of course I love it because it has my mind going.
When I was using I would try so hard to play the normal life, when all that did was kick me further down in addiction. Coming out and admitting I am indeed an addict, has effected my life not just then but for life. Addiction is not something you just get over, it is something you fight for a lifetime. I know some people are highly disagreeing with me right now, but think about it.... you can't just get rid of addiction. That is like saying you would be able to hit it, snort it, slam it, or take it one more time and stop. Let's get real that's impossible and we will fight this battle from here on out. Now I think it comes easier to disreguard a thought and an urge the longer you stay sober, but it doesn't go away. So normal is no longer possible to me, but I have learned to be ok with this. Everytime someone misplaces their medicine, I get questioned. Anytime my eyes are red from lack of sleep I get the looks and questions. I am constantly reminded of my ugly past. I usually just turn to a friend discuss with them my feelings and the aggravation I have, and then leave it alone. I can't fight with them forever. I just wait until they find their medicine and say I told you. And never expect an apology, because they rarely come.
So how do I stay sober? I stay away from people who do drugs and don't care to stop or see no problem in using. It's not that I don't like them, I just can't be around that. There are people out there that I still love and care about so much. Those people meant more to me than just a drug using time. This is something I pray about a lot. My family wants to blame my using on others, when I am fully responsible for my mistakes. I struggle with goodbyes that I still haven't been able to say. Again, I pray a lot about this.
I am being treated for my mental illness. The majority of addicts suffer from an untreated mental illness.... hint: self medicate. I didn't think I was depressed, because I was already on one medication. It also didn't occur to me that maybe my medication wasn't working until I went through detox and a month after taking 2 of the strongest anti-depressants. I can remember I was in Bradford and we were able to go bowling one day. I caught myself smiling and laughing - SOBER!!!! I went to my counselor and said, " omg!!! I SMILED TODAY!!! AND LAUGHED!!!" I dont think I will ever forget that day. The day I finally felt happiness, fun, and joy. Don't be scared to go to the Dr. and don't be embarrassed to tell them what is going on with you. If you don't tell them the truth, you won't get the right diagnoses. That is like going to the Dr. and telling them my knee hurts. They will say it is probably arthritis, but if you tell them my knee pops out of place occasionally they will run more tests and properly diagnose. Many need to understand, "Medication won't fix a broken heart, or a damaged realtionship!!!"
I am involved in a Ministry that helps recovering men transition back into life, and even though there is slim to none programs to help women... I will one day soon change that!!! I attend NA meetings occasionally. I travel over an hour away from my home to volunteer at an organization that is all about recovery. FORMLL and McLemore Consulting in Priceville. Why? Because it is what I have to do to stay sober, stay on the right path, and live the life that will make ME happy.
I attend church as much as I can, because I owe my sobriety to God. There is no way I can leave God out of my sobriety. He has opened so many doors of opportunity. He has given me hope and lit my path when I was lost in a dark valley of the shadow of death. Without God I wouldn't be sober. When I have troubles, worries, trials, and temptation - I rely on God, because I know he has me and HE'S GOT THIS.
How? It's a battle. It is NOT easy. It hurts. BUT IT IS WORTH IT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. IT IS POSSIBLE. My HOW. May not be your how.