Friday, January 26, 2018

Family

Family. When we are active in our addiction, our families are the first ones we burn. They are face to face with their child/mother/father/sister/brother who they no longer recognize. They lose sleep trying not to hear the voices about the what ifs.... what if they overdose, what if they go to jail, what if they get into an accident and cause harm to others, what if the dealer harms them, what if children are hurt? We burn them with the lies, and the things we stole. We rob them of their peace, and leave them with fear and heartache.
It took me a long time to realize how severe I burned my family. I went into rehab and came home knowing I had changed my ways, but my family was still trying to heal a wound with no help. I couldn't understand why they carried so much doubt and questioned all that I said/say. It hurt me.... can they not see I have changed? But wait..... how could I be so blind? Who hurt you, who caused you so much pain, and who has mistreated you so badly that you question yourself? Me. The addict. What a mess I have made.
I'm sorry helps, but it doesn't take away the pain. Time heals all wounds, but it doesn't help with the scars. Recovery takes time and a lot of work, and our relationships are the same. There is no quick fix. There is no cure, but there is hope.
4 things to my family that you need to know:
1.) My addiction was not anything you done wrong. It was me.
2.) My addiction did not change my love for my family. I love you.
3.) Nothing you can do can cure my addiction. It's my responsibility.
4.) I'm sorry I caused you so much pain. I was sick.

Friday, December 1, 2017

Mom Struggles

From the mom of a boy who is struggling to keep up. I want to be transparent and let others know you aren't the only one struggling to raise them right and present all A's on a report card.
My little boy... he tries. Yes i truly believe he is trying. He goes through his sight words 6 to 8 times a day (over 60 words in his stack), if he hears any other noises (tv, radio, or his brother playing) he loses track of concentration, he wiggles out of his chair, he cant keep his feet on the floor, he crys in the midst of studying, but he tries. He sticks it out and before we know it bedtime has snuck up on us and now he is upset because he didn't get to play. Maybe tomorrow will be better.
As the mother... I cry with every test sent home. (I am crying now writing this post). I feel guilt... not because we don't go over and over and over his homework, but because we do more than go over it. I feel guilty because he is struggling in school and I don't know how to fix it. He brings me his tests and as the tears make there way down my cheeks... I wonder what's going on in his head? You can see the shame as he hands over his game and I take it away. I ask him why he made a bad grade and he says, "I don't know, mom." 
I get frustrated. Sooo frustrated! I try not to, but he knows the words. I know he knows the words. He reads them to me.
I feel sorry for him, because the way it's looking he will no longer be in the same grade as his friends. What am I doing wrong??? How can I make things better? Why is he struggling in class? I pray that tomorrow will be better.
The truths of a mom whose son is struggling to keep up.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

What do you see?

When you look at me,
What do you see?
Maybe, I am scared to know.
Maybe, I don't want you to see.

Do you see my past?
Do you see my victories?
Do you see my scars?
Do you see me healing?
Do you see the pieces that are still missing?
Do you see I found my way?
What do you see?
Do you see my fear?
Do you see my dedication?
Do you see the battle going on inside my head?
Do you see me trying to ignore what I hear?
What is it that you see?
Do you see that some things still hurt?
Do you see I am growing?
Do you see my weaknesses?
Do you see my strength?
Do you see I have good days?
Do you see I have bad days?
What do you see?
Do you see bad choices?
Do you see I had no control?
What is it that you see?
Do you see a reflection?
Do you see deeper?
What do you see, when you look in that mirror?
What is it that you see?

Love,
Mary Beth

Monday, April 24, 2017

The eyes of a Child

I took on a challenge. As I sat my 4 year old son up on the bathroom counter, I begin to wash his face. As I look at him, I see a baby face that is beginning to slim up. I see freckles that are shyly appearing on his cheeks and nose. I take in the structure of his little face. His eyes show wander, interest of what things are, and why we have them. He is looking at me and anyone that knows my Bryson knows he is constantly talking and explaining his stories of his crystals, jewels, and fighting the monsters away. This time he was quite. Scared to hear what my 4 year old would say or see. I asked him, "what do you see when you look at me?" He replied, "blue and pretty."
As a mom I struggle with my body image. I struggle with patience. I am no better or worse than any other mom raising two little boys. I struggle with disciplining them, and many times I feel guilty when I do.
A child can be brutally honest at times, but they are so pure. To hear him say those things made my heart melt. He wasnt worried about how it would make me feel. I looked in the mirror and prayed for the vision of a child, to have the eyes of a child is what God has blessed them with. Something I wanted to share.
Love,
A mom
(Blue and Pretty)

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Living or Surviving

I was in my car driving while my boys sat in the back seat watching the movie "The Croods". As I drove to our destination, I began listening to it. One small line from that movie has made me realize a lot. "This isn't living, this is surviving."
Wow. How are you going through your life right now? Are you living? Or are you just surviving? When I was addicted I was doing nothing but surviving. Trying to fight another day of deep dark depression, fighting the thoughts of suicide, and trying to get through another day. I became a walking dead person with a paralysing emotion of anger, fear, and loneliness. There was no life within me.... I was only trying to survive a slow death.
Recovery is what has taught me how to live. Living and learning my personal lessons, even through the sad times and the hard times, but now I have more good times than I ever thought was imaginable. Recovery surely isn't easy. It's one of the hardest things I have ever done, but now knowing the life I can now live is forever worth every hardship. Going to treatment was scarey. I was leaving behind all that I knew and my babies that I love, and entering into a place with nothing to ease my pain or numb my emotions. Treatment taught me a huge lesson..."Living is what we have to relearn, but with more tools in our toolbox." Sometimes we feel like everything is against us, but when we fight for what we love we come out stronger and better. I no longer go through my days just trying to survive a harsh world. I live like I have a purpose, a Godly purpose. Surviving can be so difficult when you are surrounded by darkness in your head and heart. Living in a spiritual life has become refreshing and rewarding. Live your life.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

How would you live?

If you knew the numbered days you have left here on earth, would you live different?
Would you spend more time with your parents? Would you sit down and tell them thank you for working your entire life just to give me the life I was blessed with? Would you hug and tell them you loved them more often?
Would you tell your siblings I love you everyday? Would you share more laughter with them? Would you stop texting and actually call them?
Would you tell your spouse thank you? Thank you for loving me on my worst day. Would you tell them about the lies that were told in your own head that you were all alone, but the actual truth is that they were there by your side the entire time? Would you tell them I am sorry for all those fights I started because it really had nothing to do with you... I was just having a crappy day. Would you explain to them that seeing them laugh brightens my day? Would you love them different? Would you love them more?
Would you parent your children different? Would you personally take your children places and make more memories with them? Would you enjoy their cries more? Would you join in with laughter when they are laughing? Would you be the same parent that you are today?
Would you work on your relationship with God more? Would you tell others about what God has done in your life? Would you be thankful for the days you still have? Would you be a better Christian?
Our days are numbered and I know on most of these questions I (myself) answered yes I would do more to almost every question.... so why wait? Why do we wait until the end to give our best? Life begins to mean something precious to us all when it is close to the end. Lets change this. Make everyday precious and live it to the fullest. Why don't we show more appreciation through out our lives? Change is hard, but change for the good.
How would you live? Live like our days are numbered.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Sister


Not many know this, so here we go. I have always wanted a sister that I was unseperable with. I wanted that sister who would know when to call or know something was up/wrong. I wanted that bond that many have with their sisters. My twinkie. Truth is me and my sister could not be more opposite than we are. Even with our differences I just realized how wrong I have been and I have that sister.
Let me tell you some things about us more about her.
She was the first person to write me in rehab.
She sent me make-up, when she dont even wear it.
Other than my husband and parents, she was the only other person I talked to in rehab.
She can give me a reality check knowing it will piss me off and give me my space until I realize what is going on.
She asks me questions out of the blue about my recovery, how I am, and why I did certain things when I was active in my addiction.
She encourages me in my lowest points and she does not even realize how bad of a day I have had.
She pushes me to get fit.
She is my personal trainer- free of charge.
She takes my clothes when my closet is overflowing.
She cheers me on when I feel like giving up.
We have memories that no one understands.
She is my best friend and I never thanked her for the times she was heartbroken over my actions, but still never gave up. She does more for me than anyone knows. Mandy, thank you. I love you.
Many times we think relationships should only be fun and sweet, but truth is our relationships grow when we experience hurt and heartaches. We see each others struggles and mend those broken moments. If it is not perfect, it means it is growing.
Love, Mary Beth