One aspect of my addiction was my inability to deal with life on life's terms. I tried drugs to cope with a seemingly hostile world. My ultimate problem was myself. At times- all the time I was defensive about my addiction and would try to justify my right to use esp. When I had a prescription for them.
My life seemed to be a nightmare, and I became that person no one deserved, a mother my boys did not need. My spirit was broken, the capacity of feeling human was long gone. I was my own monster in my very own nightmare.
As my addiction progressed I was searching for the answer- that person, place, or thing that would make everything alright. I lacked the ability to cope with daily living.
There was something wrong with my life and I wanted an easy way out. I felt overwhelmed with worthlessness. I was trapped.
I believe there is nothing shameful about being an addict, as long as I take a positive action with my dilemma.
I am allergic to drugs. My reaction to drugs is what makes me an addict, NOT how, nor WHAT I USED.
When others told me I had a problem, I thought the world was wrong and I was always right. In all honesty, I knew the drugs were killing me long before I could ever admit it to anyone else.
Before becoming sober I had forgotten what life was like before I started using. I had forgotten how to be legit happy, how to express myself, and how to feel. When I was using I was living in another world.
Drugs would give me that feeling that I could handle whatever situation might develop.
After seeking help and becoming sober, then it was easier for me to see the destruction, disaster, and the delusion of my using.
I use to regret the past, dreaded the future, and weren't to thrilled of the present. I was a prisoner of my own mind and was condemned by my own guilt. I used drugs to cover my feelings.