Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Breakdown

There I was in a room so lost, confused, angry, hurt, worried, but most of all broken. I sat there with my head in my hands and screaming with no sound. All of a sudden I felt so heavy but yet so small compared to that big table of all eyes on me and all fingers shamefully pointing at me in my face. When I stand I feel the need to collapse and there he is- he grabs me, holds me, and squeezes me. I was too nervous to talk, but too afraid not to. As I looked up at my husband and saw the heartache and pain  trail down his face, at that moment my heart stopped.
I get in the car and can remember breaking down. My two babies, my world, my everything. They havent even spent the night away from me. My boys are my other half, they are my air to breathe, they are my Sun after night, they are my smile through laughter.
We drive a 45 minute drive that seemed liked 5 hours. I can remember crying out and and saying,"I couldn't leave my babies, I couldn't do it alone". That voice would say,"But can you admit you have a problem?" At that moment, I was still trying to fight that no-winning battle. I sat there so tiny, crying with no tears, so cold, scared, and just wanting to run away. I had thought about it but there's no way I could leave my husband nor boys.
As I was getting signed into rehab I was seeing all these happy people walk through the lobby and I knew they were patients, but why were they here? Better yet why are they smiling and enjoying rehab? I thought addicts were in jail or on the streets.
As I was sitting in my room I thought to myself I knew I was living wrong, yet I had tried to do right- in my marriage and in raising my children. I really tried hard. I wanted to be a good mother. I wanted to be a good wife. I wanted to be part of society, but I never felt part of it. What is wrong? I'm wrong, I'm different, I'm a failure. Honestly, I'm really not sure who the hell I am. I lost myself a long time ago. Little did I know the journey I was about to start was going to show me who I am, give me back my mind, my peace, and what I stand for.
To my husband I dedicate this song to you.
Love