Thursday, November 20, 2014

Alone with No Manual

If you can imagine a frazzled woman holding a baby, a toddler pulling on her loose fitted shirt, hair once was in a ponytail that is loosely falling down, and dark circles under her eyes.... That is how I felt and pretty sure appeared more times than I can count. I was at home with two babies pulling me in multiple directions, clinging to me, suffocating me, needing me, demanding me, crying to me, hitting me, wanting me, not liking me, asking me why their daddy is not home, and/or can we go to daddy's home!!! There would be times that I would go for days without showering.
You see I'm not the person who asks for help, because people have their own lives to live and their own problems to deal with. I felt as though I had to manage on my own because that's what moms are suppose to do. When I would vent to some people they would grin and sometimes even giggle and say I know I had three or that's what happens when you have kids- so in my head I'm Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, I want to scream out of anger, "no, no, NO!!! You don't know every cry out I have to tend to, every single need I have to make, ALONE!!! BY MYSELF!! NO PARTNER! No tag, your turn, no helping hand, no when your father got home- ME ALONE!
You know I never received a warning, a manual, or notice on how many needs a child has. Many joke of that but at the time I was serious. For all you single mothers and single fathers my hands applaud you ladies and gents, "God bless you". I mean yeah I am married, but at my lowest I felt like I married to be alone. I knew my husband was doing his part and working to pay our bills. It's just when you are stuck in a rut and sick without even knowing it, it's kind of mind blowing on the thoughts that the devil/disease can put through your head and just how flipping hard you are on yourself.