Monday, December 1, 2014

My Secret Life

As an addict I lived a secret life. For many months, I tried to cover my pain and low self-esteem by painting on a smile, hiding behind phony images, and happy facebook status that I hope would fool others. Unfortunately, I fooled myself more than anyone. Although I often seemed/appeared confident and happy, I was really hiding a shakey, unhappy, lonely, and insecure person on the inside.
Strangely, I asked myself- Do I really want to rid of my resentments, my anger, my fear, my shame? I realized that I cling to fears, doubts, and self-loathing or hatred, because it's like it seems safer to hold onto what we know rather than to let go for the unknown.
Losing faith is what caused me so much pain and misery. I felt as though I couldn't handle the ordeal of life all by myself. It wasn't until I had made a big mess of my life that I realized I couldn't do this alone. 
God has turned my messy mistakes and sinful living into my new blessing. I am not only learning but growing everyday, but in his eyes I am perfectly incomplete. I'm still picking up pieces and realize there are some parts, people, and things that I have lost and won't get back because of my wrong doings. What's so beautiful is my Heavenly Father has never given up on me nor failed me, when I didn't trust in him, got angry with him, and questioned, "God why? My parents? My husband? My baby gems? Esp my babies? How could you?" Now Mary Beth you can reach out to many of those who are still sick, and only you because you fought your way through and let me back in. 
I no longer have to live in lies, in pain, and hurt night after night. I live the truth, for God, my family, and for other addicts I am their hope.