Thursday, December 18, 2014

THREE MONTHS AND THREE DAYS

3 months ago from today. I wrote God a letter. Keep in mind I was sick and I was pretty much giving up on myself. Looking back it's still not easy, my heart still hurts. Not really sure why. Dont know if it's because I remember how lost and lonely I was, or because of my weakest area was in my Faith, or because I thought I was rejected, or maybe because I thought I was alone, or because no one could ever understand me because I couldnt even make sense of myself, or maybe because I know other people/addicts can relate to that heartbreaking pain, or maybe its because of everything.
Three months ago I couldnt see God's purpose. So I doubted him. But "Oh my Mighty God" the things you have taught, showed, and explained to me through this trial of my life has forever changed not only my life, but my family's, and can only pray other addicts lives. I can never say this enough, "You are not alone."
Journal entry: October 18th
God,
Where did I go wrong? I'm scared to know what I'm feeling. Do I give up and just let go, or do I keep praying? What is this? I believed and you let me down. Can you tell me? Are you bored? I have had enough, but yet I keep going back for more. How can I believe if I just keep sinking? Im afraid that I have lost myself. Are you gonna be around to help me find my sanity? Or is it too late? Am I lost to no return? I'm scared to give up and surrender, because I know how long I will fall, but if I make it through- I won't go back to the person I am. Why can't I see the smallest bit of hope? Please don't turn me down. One day when you discover that I'm lost. Well you shine down on me like the stars at night? Is it too late? Is this your love?
Tell me why I'm addicted, because I don't even know. Chasing a high I think I need, but yet I feel as though I can't breathe because reality is so toxic. So tell me where to go and what to do. It's a thin, thin line to admit or deny. I thought it was helping me, but instead it's just breaking me. It's not about just giving up, but about keeping it away. Do I pray because I feel like I have to have it? I craved it more when I labeled myself as a failure, and felt rejected from love. how am I supposed to grow? it doesn't fix my pain because my troubles never go away.
The addict,
MB