Sunday, November 23, 2014

Crystal

I am this broken, damaged, and out of control being; with the ability to hurt those who I love and damage the relationships that I cherish. Yet, I also have the ability to rise from my past and start anew. I am able to heal, make amends, and look at my shameful past- admit my wrongs and start helping others who are trying to run away from their problems, who are trying to numb the pain on the inside, and who are trying to mask/cover the scars inside. 
I have been there, I have been in those shoes. It started out with me just popping pills, because I thought as long as I had a prescription for them it was ok. Then, it lead to smoking weed. Those around me got me to believe, it's just weed- everybody could use some to relax.  In reality, it just numbed my heartache. I thought it made me happy because I would laugh even smile. Instead it made me paranoid, sleepy, and guilt flooded not only my brain but my heart also.
I had been accused of using those hard drugs before, but I wasn't- at that time. It wasn't til I was in my deepest darkest depression that I said," well hell I'm already the family's biggest disappointment." I had  heard and knew of what some drugs did to others. I was looking for something to pep me up so I could keep up with the boys and still manage to get my house clean. One of the things I regret more than my disease of addiction is turning to the bitch she is called "Crystal".
I was so miserable. I was lost in a maze of fog and saw no light to guide me my way, nor a hand to hold because I was afraid to turn around and see what I have to face.