Thursday, December 31, 2015

A new year to come

In a year, I have experienced ups and downs, and my life isn't the same. I have experienced so many ups and downs. I have witnessed my sweet Maw Maw lose herself and become someone else due to Dementia. I see my mother come home many times with a broken heart, just trying to grasp on to the sadness of this roller coaster. Walking into the nursing home just praying it's a good day for her and she will still recognize my face.
I lost my Foster dad to the sickness of Depression. I lost a man that loved me for me. The man who helped raise me and called me his own. Saying goodbye when all I wanted to say was see you soon.
I got to experience my 1 year sobriety birthday. It's not been easy, but it is worth it.
I have learned that people still hold onto my past... and I'm screaming inside, "LET HER GO!!!!"
I have learned that I am smarter than what I give myself credit for. A honor roll for little ole me.
I have met some great mentors that I will always be greatful for and so thankful that they are helping me with not only my future career but helping me learn and understand life in sobriety.
I am still learning to be happy in life. There are things that I want different (I'm sure everyone wishes some things were a little different) but I am learning that it's temporary. Still working on patience.
My Diddy worries about me a lot, and I understand it's out of love and caring. I am grateful for him and all that he does for me and my family. I can't tell him enough. But dad, "you don't have to worry so much anymore."
My Wubby (my husband).... you are my rock. I love you so much and grateful for your hardwork, and the daddy you are to our boys. I couldn't deal with life without you. Everytime I get my feelings hurt I turn to you, because you know just what to say, and you know when to let me just be.
My two angels. It hurts my heart to know that I failed at being your mother at one point in your life. So many say they were too young to remember, but my heart will never forget. You two are my sonshines and complete me.
In a year, I have cried a lot, I have lost my temper several times, I have been proud of myself and my family, I have been hurt and had to learn how to express my heartache, I have been lonely, I have been happy, and so grateful for my God. My faith is stronger, but not perfect. I am not perfect, but a perfect mess. I have changed from a false reflection in the mirror, to a true christian who loves her Jesus and family.
A new year sober! A new year to learn so much more. A new year to look up and have a talk with God.
Goodbyes have been hard, so my new year resolution is to MAKE more time for the ones I love so much.
Mary Beth