Thursday, September 24, 2015

Powerlessness (1st step)

As a recovering addict, many probably think that I realized early on that I was powerless over my addiction. Many addicts use drugs to gain that power. The power to work harder, concentrate better, or the power to face another day. It took some time for me to see that the drug I used, actually  made me lose what meant the most to me. I lost the power to be myself, I lost my parents, I lost my kids, and I lost everyone's trust. I can remember some of my friends/family members say, "Why did you lie to me? Why didn't you tell me? You know I would have done something to help." Truth is... I was no longer in control. I was powerlessness. I didn't want/need your help. I was a monster in my own head who was in denial. I didn't quiet understand the severity of my using-abusing. I couldn't admit my problems when I couldn't see them myself. It wasn't until I was beaten by my addiction, that I became willing to admit I had a problem. I get it now. I WAS POWERLESSNESS OVER MY ADDICTION. It controlled not only me physically, mentally, but spiritually. I could no longer manage my life. I was on a roller coaster that was headed straight to hell.
Being in recovery, we slowly gain our power back that the drug stripped us of. We can control our minds, get our kids back, get our strength built back up, get our hearts right, and all that we can do is say, "I'm sorry." I have lost friendships because I lied, but all I can do is ask for forgiveness for the monster I once was and had NO CONTROL OVER. I was someone that I no longer am.
I know how it feels to experience a powerlessness thats like a slow suicide.
Love,
Mary Beth